9.17.2009 Richmond, VA 0951 hr
I’m sitting on the porch of 3438 Parkwood. Dave’s still in Europe with Municipal Waste. We got here last night at around midnight, kicked back and hit the rack. The drive down was uneventful once we got out of NYC. You get on I-95 and drive south and that’s pretty much it; I can’t even remember how many times I’ve driven up and down that highway over the years. The side door of the van is stuck closed so everyone has to enter and exit through the front passenger side; in addition to that, the one of the latches on the back loading door is broken so I have it rigged up to open it up from the inside. The van is like rolling Ghetto on wheels, everything is barely holding together.

I woke up around 0800 hr hiked over to Ellwood’s and deployed the first cup of coffee for the day. It’s overcast and cool down here. Summer is definitely over.

I’ve got Hendrix “Electric Lady Land” playing. Last night, I had the first Sabbath album on. Some of this music is 40 years old and it still totally crushes most stuff I hear. I wonder is Korn is going to be a band that some kid, 40 years from now, refers back to as a defining musical statement. Only time will tell I suppose.

I can’t wait to get into the shows.

0056 hr
We played well. I’m sitting in the green room with Andrew, listening to Kylesa play. There’s a huge picture of a poorly rendered penis shooting cum. Someone drew an eye on the head of the penis. No matter where you stand in the room, it seems like the eye is looking at you. What is it with dressing rooms and cock drawings. This is “Cape Fear”, North Carolina. It looks like a college town, sleepy with a lot of groovy dudes and chicks walking around. I’ve decided that college towns aren’t very good for the kind of thing that we do. College towns are big for Phish and jam bands, bands that sound good after toking weed and cracking an ice cold Budweiser. This kid I talked to after our set apologized for people not digging “real music.” It’s flattering to think that someone considers Tombs “real music.”

There were a handful of people up front when we played. It was a small show but I’ll take it. The first show of the tour is down. We drive to Asheville tomorrow for Planet Caravan Fest. I’m stoked to see Wino play and hopefully hang out.

It’s good to see the Bison guys. They drove five days straight to get here from Vancouver. Their van broke down on the way so now they’re rolling in a white suburban with a trailer.

9.19.209 1048 hr Somewhere, NC
The Planet Caravan Fest was cool but kind of a mess. There were two venues; The Orange Peel, this really nice, pro theater and this Mexican restaurant down the street called Mo Daddies. That’s where we played, at the Mexican place. If I paid $80.00 to see a show and had to watch half of the bands in a Mexican restaurant with a really low rent PA, I’d be bummed. The schedule was set up so the bands were staggered but, as expected, things started off late and bands got added etc.

Despite the fact that we had a contract with clearly spelled out details about production, none of it was provided. I don’t want to sound like a rock star, but why bother sending me a document to sign if you’re not intending to hold up your end of the agreement. Nonetheless, we held up our end of the bargain and played hard. Surprisingly people actually seemed to make an effort to catch us and I feel like we played well.

Probably the most profound thing for me, aside from playing out set, was seeing Wino on a big stage. It was mind-blowing, like seeing the Hendrix Experience. He sampled generously from his catalog of material and played St. Vitus and Obsessed songs as well as stuff from latest record. He just has that style, it’s hard to explain. When you watch him play it seems so effortless. I envy that. I imagine if you watch me play, you can see every ounce of effort I put into my meager display of “creativity”. I struggle so hard with doing such simple things. Unfortunately Bison played pretty much during Wino’s set, so I missed them.

Asheville was cool. I’ve only been there once before but it was the kind of scenario where we rolled in late, played the set and bailed and didn’t get a chance to check out the city. It’s a small, hippy town up in the mountains. There was a small organic co op across from where the van was parked so I was able to secure some good food.

After the show, we checked into a Motel 6 and hit a Waffle House across the street. It was only my second experience in one of those establishments. I’m a strict Denny’s man. I tried to keep it simple with an egg sandwich in an attempt to avoid the potential gastronomical issues that the “Scattered, Smothered and Covered” trip would probably bring on. Next to us, about 20 feet away, was a table full of teenage girls. From what I could gather it was some kind of post birthday celebration feeding. The “Birthday Girl” was completely wasted; she had food smeared on her face. She ended up pissing herself and was led outside and I didn’t see her again. People all around us were smoking and eating at the same time.

Charlotte, NC 1811 Hr
I’m sitting in a Starbucks with Thorns and Carson. We rolled by the venue earlier, but nobody was there. The neighborhood was really, really beat so we bailed before something negative happened. There were groups of people just kind of regarding us. We drove off to a better neighborhood and found a shopping center to waste some time. I updated the tour accounting and the others hit a Borders Books. We’ll probably head over to the venue soon.

The Bison dudes are radical. They’re easy going and professional as well as being a kickass heavy rock outfit. Mark, their manager and Thorns have an uncanny similarity in appearance and personality. They both kind of dress the same and more or less do the same job on the tour. It’s a trip seeing them side-by-side at the merch table.

2118 hr
I’m sitting in the van outside of the venue listening to “Desire in Uneasiness” by Nadja. Apparently, this venue, The Milestone, has been around since the early 80’s. I was told that Black Flag, Minor Threat and the Bad Brains have all played here.

Disappointment implies expectations and I suppose that the best practice sometimes is to avoid expecting someone to operate on a level that they’re not capable of because they don’t have the history or background to see that things are a certain way. All I can do is provide an opportunity and hopefully that person is open to learning. Likely, that person will just succumb to weakness and fall off.

Tomorrow is a long haul to Nashville. After the show I want to get out of here as fast as possible, hit the motel and get as many hours of sleep as I can for the drive.

0300 hr
It was hot on stage tonight with very little fresh air. All of the miles I ran in the weeks leading up to tour paid off. I feel we played well tonight; it felt like the first night of tour even though we’ve already played two shows. Wilmington was a weird night and the Fest in Asheville was kind of a stressful, unorganized mess. From here on out, it’s lock and load, search and destroy.

9.21.2009 Nashville, TN 0845 hr
We’re kicking back at Omid’s place, the others are still asleep. It seems quiet here but according to Omid, it’s one of the rougher neighborhoods in Nashville. I’m sitting on his porch; I can hear birds and the far away sounds of the interstate. I dig his place, it has that austere, living alone vibe to it: not a lot of furniture, a minimal amount of gear in the kitchen etc.

This young kid named Justin came to the show with Omid last night. I spent about an hour talking to him about music that we both enjoyed. It tripped me out that he was into bands like Starkweather, Bloodlet, Deadguy and other bands from the 90’s. He must have still been in high school. I guess to him, those were the formative bands the same way that Black Flag and Husker Du were the formative bands for me. I’m going to send him a bunch of stuff when we get back from this run of shows.

We woke up early and drove all day to Nashville. We were told that the load-in was at 1700 hr and the doors were at 1930 hr. Of course that’s not how it went down. We arrived on time, loaded in, but the show didn’t actually kick off until close to 2200 hr. Details. We played well despite some minor issues like broken strings and lack of monitors.

Ivan, Tyler and some of the kids that helped put together our show during the tour with ASRA were there. It was cool to see some familiar faces.

Today is a relatively short run out to Memphis.

9.22.2009 Birmingham, AL 1738 hr
We arrived at the club and loaded in about an hour ago. The Bottle Tree is a cool venue; we played here on the Isis tour a few months ago. I had a really hard night the last time I was here but tonight there is nothing to get in the way of me focusing 100 %. At this point that’s all there is for me to do. Play shows and drive.

Last night was cool; we played to a handful of people and I feel it was probably the best we’ve played so far. Gordon forwarded me an email from Kylesa booking agent telling us to cut our set shorter because the shows are going too late and the band is bummed out. I think, it would have been a lot easier if someone from the band had just asked us instead of involving all of these people. We dropped two songs and I must say, the set actually flows a lot better.

I’m getting devoured buy mosquitoes right now. We sitting in the backstage area; according to one of the dudes that work here, the mosquitoes live under the porch.

We cranked GG Allin, Mayhem, David Allen Coe and Manson on the way in.

9.23.2009 Birmingham, AL 1044 hr
Small turnout last night but hey, times are tough Right?

We played well. It was oddly comfortable on the stage, like it wasn’t a struggle to hear everything and there was enough room to set up and do our thing. The shorter set is cool, more impact and better flow.

I had a really hard time during the last time I was at that venue and the vestiges of that night were effecting me. Memories, all bad, were creeping into my head and put me in a negative mood. Some of those feelings still cling to me like a leech. It’s hard to shake the bad times.

Today is New Orleans. I haven’t been there since before Hurricane Katrina. We played Baton Rouge last time and on the way, we saw some of the damage. It should be an interesting trip today. I almost killed everybody with my reckless driving last time we rolled through.

9.24.2009 Austin, TX 1942 hr
The last two days have been a blur due to the overnight drive from New Orleans. The show last night was cool. It was in one of the worse neighborhoods in the city; on the way in we saw blocks of destroyed homes and desolation from the Katrina disaster. Of course, the poor neighborhoods are the ones that get improved last.

It would have been cool to have more time to hang out in New Orleans, but we were running late to the show and once we rolled up to the venue, we just wanted to hang around and do our thing. There’s a lot to see and I’m eager to see what’s left after the city was flooded, looted and torn apart. I’ve always felt a really dark vibe in New Orleans and the blocks of destruction make it heavier.

The program was laid back at the club and everyone was really cool. John, the owner made a huge pot of jambalaya for the bands. When he found out that Thorns was vegetarian, he went back to his house and cooked him up some veggie food. Everything was delicious.

The show got under way late and we didn’t get out of there until around 0300 hr. We just saddled up and rolled out of town. I took the first shift until about 0500 hr and Carson took the second shift. I tried to sleep in the back but never actually succeeded. At some point in Texas, we were pulled over at a fuel station and I just got in the driver’s seat. We made it to Austin by the early afternoon, hit Whole Foods and now we’re at Red 7 waiting for the show to start. We played here earlier this year with Wolves in the Throne Room and Pelican. Austin is a good town for music, it seems like the whole city is set up for live bands to come through and kick it.

9.25.2009 Austin, TX 0953 hr
The show last night was good. Playing at Red 7 is cool; the monitors are loud and the stage is laid out really well, there’s enough room to do your thing and the people at the club are all totally accommodating. I felt we played really well with a few minor exceptions in “Waiting for the Death Note” and the new Untitled song we play at the end of the set.

I’m kicking back at Rachel’s. Thorns is still asleep. We’ll be heading out to meet Bison at Serrano’s, our usual lunch in Austin. Our drive today is short so everyone is looking forward to relaxing today. Austin is a good town for chilling out.

The big news today is that Susan Adkins died in jail.

I’ve got Pentagram playing on my iPod. It’s a lot cooler than I thought it would be down here which is really nice after being in the inferno of humidity that Alabama and Louisiana were. I’m enjoying the first cup of coffee out of my new combination coffee press/travel mug. It’s one of mankind’s greatest inventions. You put the coffee in the mug, add water, let it steep and then plunge it. Radical.

The tour is trudging onward. Last night was probably the best attended; Austin is a music town and kids down here really dig metal and heavy rock. We only have a few days left then its back to New York but luckily it’ll only be for a few weeks then it’s off to Europe. Gordon has been in touch about possible touring plans for the early part of 2010. That works for me; long tour, short tour, I’ll take it. At this point, it’s about all I really have going for me.

This is the only life you get and when I’m on my death bed, I’m not going to look back on my life and wish I spent more time working at an office or at some job. I’m going to look back on the times I spent doing the things I want to do and the time with people that I wanted to spend time with. Freedom is a thing that most people wouldn’t know how to handle. This society makes us feel like we’re free but how many of us can actually say that we’re free. In the middle of the night when you wake up with anxiety over money and the dwindling ability to maintain the life that you want to live with all of the excesses and extra baggage, you know that you’re not truly free.

9.26.2009 Denton, TX 2057 hr
I’m sitting outside, in this courtyard behind the venue. The local opening band is sound checking. I think doors are open. We just ate some really mediocre Mexican food at this place up the street; on the drive in from San Antonio, we hit a Taco Cabana which was surprisingly impressive for a fast food chain, it completely outshined the place we just ate at. We’re playing this place called Rubber Gloves that’s an attached to a rehearsal studio and what looks like a skate shop. It’s on the outskirts of town in an industrial area. The sky is huge right now and the air smells clean and dry. I can hear crickets.

I hit this coffee place earlier for an outstanding cup of coffee. Apparently, it’s open 24 hours a day so I’ll be heading back there tonight at some point.

Last night in San Antonio was cool. When we arrived, there was an early show going on with a bunch of bands that sounded like that generic shit that kids listen to these days. We bailed and tried to find the Alamo on foot, but aborted the mission due to economy of time.

For the most part we played well. There were a few rough spots but the energy was there. I met some really cool people after the show and hung out. These two really intense metal guys talked to me about the Swans and Jarboe. One guy asked me if we considered ourselves a black metal band and I responded by saying that we don’t. I think that in order to say that you’re a black metal band you have to have more going on that “The Sound.” You have to be down with the whole trip and have some kind of ideology behind your music. I told him that we are influenced by black metal but aren’t on the same trip.

After the show we drove back to Austin and crashed with Morgan Kill the Client. It was only 70 miles but I couldn’t keep myself focused. Carson took over and I feel asleep in the back on the van. When we got to Morgan’s pad, I took his spare bedroom. I put my headphones on and dialed in the new 1349 record to fall asleep to. I didn’t even make it past the intro.

I woke up thinking that I was at my parent’s house. I’ve been dragging my ass all day and it’s not until now that I actually feel okay. I’ve been wrestling with a low level depression for most of the day. The miles went by quietly and without much eventfulness. I sunk deeper into this heavy vibe. I had Gun Club “Las Vegas Story” playing into “Fire of Love”; both of those records have been with me a long time and have helped me get through a lot of low times but none of that seems to be helping today.

It seems dead tonight. Some nights are like that. There’s only one show left with Kylesa and Bison. I’ll miss the Bison guys, but I had almost no interaction with Kylesa. It was a weird impersonal tour.

9.28.2009 Indianapolis, IN 1952 hr
I don’t remember much about the show last night in Oklahoma City. I remember the set and saying goodbye to the Bison BC and Kylesa people then getting in the van and driving. Bison BC are a great live band. You can tell that they spend a lot of time touring when they play because the whole thing is so natural and dialed in. On top of that, they’re seriously cool people. I feel like I made some really good friends.

The drive was relentless. At some point, I got pulled over in the middle of night at a toll booth. The cop just wanted to check us out, but claimed that I didn’t signal when I changed lanes. He almost smiled when he told me. Whatever, I don’t even trip out anymore. H probably thought that we were an easy drug bust or something. The interaction was kind of weird because he ordered me to get out of the van and meet him at the rear of the vehicle. I was out of his visual sight line for about 15 seconds. I could have grabbed a shotgun out of the van and blew him away in the time that I was out of his sight. I don’t know what the police procedures are in Oklahoma but this struck me as odd because he clearly put himself in a vulnerable position. When I met him at the rear of the van, he told me to get in the front seat of the police cruiser while he ran my license. Again, this struck me as odd. Ultimately he let me go with a written warning. It was one of the strangest interactions with the police that I’ve ever had.

One of the cooler things about OKC was this record store next to the venue. I traded the owner some of the stuff out of my distro towers some stuff out of his store. I scored a couple of issues of SOD, Black Raven Choir records and a long sleeve SOD t shirt. I didn’t even know that the magazine was still published.

We’re in Indianapolis waiting to play. A handful of people are here. It’s a Monday night. I’m beat but I will be ready to kick it when it’s time for the set.

9.29.2009 Detroit, MI 2136 hr
We arrived at the venue about and hour ago, loaded in and now we’re waiting. I have a feeling tonight will be dead; one of those money-losing nights that are bound to happen on a tour. The upside is that this guy is set up in the courtyard outside of the venue with a grill and is cooking these awesome burgers with fresh corn and killer fresh veggies. I just ate a half-pound burger with cheese and fresh chopped jalapenos wit a roasted corn on the cob. It hit the spot.

We were having a discussion about what wi-fi means. Apparently it means wireless fidelity.

Michigan is serious about porno. The Midwest in general is pretty intense when it comes to adult entertainment, but on the way up I couldn’t help but notice how many huge porno shops I saw advertised on billboards. One boasted 40 plus channels in their private booths. I also spotted three billboards in a row advertising “Adult Health Spas”.

Last night was cool. We played the same spot that I saw Ice Nine do their reunion at back in July. It was good to see all of my Indy friends; I feel fortunate to know people like Jared Southwick, Dave Lawson and the rest of the crew. I’ve been coming to that town for a lot of years at this point. Dave told me that Ice Nine has recorded some new material; I can’t wait to here it. How radical would it be if they did some more shows?

Dream is Dead played and totally destroyed as usual. They sound killer with two guitars and Carl is the perfect compliment to Jared. The show was cool.

I totally blew the end of the last song in the set. The lack of sleep and brutal drives beat me I suppose.

I’m sitting outside. It’s a relief to be out of the south and into some true autumn weather. This is my favorite time of the year. I feel heavy today. Maybe it’s the fatigue. Tomorrow is a day off and then we’re in Richmond. The tour is almost over and then it’s back in New York for a few weeks before we ship out to Europe. I just want to stay on the road at this point. Home is not home anymore, it’s just a place where I keep my stuff. I can’t say that I miss anything or anyone at this point.

9.30.2009 Somewhere, Ohio 1123 hr
I woke up about 30 minutes ago. We played the show and drove about 2 hours to the hotel so we wouldn’t have to spend the night in Detroit. It’s a heavy place. One of the dudes at the show was telling me that the population of the city has been on a steady decline and that some neighborhoods are being reclaimed by nature. What a concept, I imagine locks of empty building with tree roots cracking the sidewalk and ivy growing over ghetto walls.

The show was surprisingly cool. Two really good bands played: Beast of Fields and Year of the Pig. A handful of people showed up and were into it. You can’t really ask for more.

Today is a day off. We drive to Richmond.

10.01.2009 Richmond, VA 1345 hr
We drove all day yesterday and rolled into town at around 2200 hr. I stayed up later than I should have and woke up at noon and ran the RVA drill: coffee and food at Elwoods and now we’re kicking back. It’s cool of Amy to let us chill here. We’re looking forward to the show tonight.

10.02.2009 New York, NY 1630 hr
We Left Richmond early this morning, I don’t recall exactly what time it was, but it felt really early. The show last night was cool despite the bad vibe at the club. I’ve played there before and it’s always this real downer because the staff is kind of hostile. The sound man obviously didn’t want to be there judging by the interactions I overheard between him and the other bands. I made sure I was clear with him about our needs on stage. We’re flexible: if the PA is just a simple vocal system then we’re cool, but if there is a fully professional sound system available, I expect the engineer to be professional and do his job. This guy was lazy and needed some persuasion. We still probably sounded like shit in the front of house, but at least I tried to motivate the guy to do his job. I mean, after all, he’s not a volunteer is he?

We played and went back to Amy’s. The goal was to get as much sleep as possible and bail early. Unfortunately, we ended up watching “Superbad” on of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a long time and I didn’t rack out until about 0300 hr.

The ride back to New York was long and uneventful. Traffic was manageable and we even had enough time to hit Brooklyn Label for a late lunch before loading in. I’ve been stressing out about this show discovered that it’s at the Cake Shop, a venue on the Lower East Side who’s maximum capacity is about 100 people. This is Burnt by the Sun’s only North American Show. To add to the stress, there are five bands on the bill.

0200 hr
The show went well. I think we played well, but it was hard to determine. I know that I tried to play hard and even if the sound was less than optimal, I hope people were able to get off as hard as I did.

Tour is over. We leave for Europe in a fewer short weeks.

7.17.2009 Columbus, OH 2030 Hr
We arrived about an hour ago and loaded in. It’s happy hour and the place is packed with collegiate-looking people. Columbus is a college town apparently. I wonder how the show is going to be tonight. The promoter seemed cool and a lot of good bands have played here but this crowd is beat. It appears that everyone has been drinking for a long time, it’s Friday night and that’s the kind of thing that people do in a college town.
We left Brooklyn at around 1000 hr this morning. Somewhere close to the Pennsylvania border my ABS light went on. I had noticed that there was some friction in the front end of the van while we were driving. We pulled over and tried to find a mechanic to check it out but the venture was fruitless, not enough reliable intel and a tightening schedule forced us back on the road.
I called ahead to Jason McCash; he’s the kind of guy that would know a good mechanic in Indianapolis. It turned out that his brother Charlie is a mechanic and specializes in vans. He’s working on the Gates of Slumber van right now.
I just shooed away some kid that was leaning on our merch and texting. I look at this younger, up and coming generation and really bum out. This country is in trouble is these are the people that are going to be running the show in the future. I was as cool to the kid as I could be but I wanted to beak his jaw. I wonder what his parents are like. I observe a lot of parents when I’m at home and it becomes clear to me why these kids suck so much.

0320 Hr
A handful of people showed up and I think we did an adequate job tonight. We played a lot of brand new material so there was that uncertainty. Either way, I’m just glad to be out here playing as hard as I can. We have to be on the road not later than 0700 hr. I have a wake up call at 0630 hr. Indianapolis is a bout 3 – 4 hours away. Load in is at 1100 hr.
7.18.2009 Indianapolis, IN 1130 hr
We’ve been in front of the Emerson Theater for about an hour. The dudes from Gaza are here as well as this guy that told me that he owned the theater. The ride up was uneventful. We stopped at Starbucks on the outskirts of Indianapolis to get coffee and some food. I pounded two of those large sized coffees and ate an egg and cheese wrap.
We don’t play until about 1730 but we have e to load in and get our merch set up. There’s a huge lineup of bands playing today. I’m really excited to see Portraits of Past and Buried Inside. We’re touring Europe with Buried Inside in the fall so it would be cool to talk to those guys.
Kids are starting to show up. There’s still no sign of Derek, the mastermind of this whole thing.
1630 hr
We played really well. The new songs are sinking in a little more and I think we’re getting comfortable playing them. It was still a little shaky up there but the only way that you can overcome that is playing pushing your comfort level and playing them live.
Earlier, McCash picked me up and we drove the van to his brother’s house so he can have a look at it. About 5 minutes after we drove a way he reported back to us that the front bearing needed to be replaced. He estimated that we had about a 50% chance of getting back to New York. We were lucky to have the McCash Brothers in our corner. We could have brought the van to a PEP Boys and the whole thing could have easily run us $1000.00 or more. I’ve never been one for the Brightside, but I have to say that it meant a lot to me for Charlie to step up on a Saturday and fix the van.
On the downside, I ended up missing a few of the bands that I wanted to see. Portraits of Past play later.
0330 hr
I’m trying to keep my eyes open so I can get this all in. Portraits of Past blew my mind. I was up front for the entire set. The music is timeless and out of time. It’s from a different era. It made me miss the 90’s and how it used to be. I’m sitting here in McCash’s living room feeling like anything good is a million miles away. I feel like I wasted a lot of time and now I’m just a ghost on the endless road to nowhere.
I remember how I used to feel. I remember the way I let myself be open to people but I’ve hardened myself over the years and learned to stay inward and focus on not needing anyone. When I play, it’s about getting as far away from people as I can. It the music of a weak insecure man who is afraid of having any real, lasting personal connections. When I witnessed the Portraits of Past set, I felt like the intent was to connect and express cathartic emotion. The whole crowd was in this vibe, this really heavy emotional trip. I was caught up in it as well.
After the show, we went to this DIY space across town to check out an impromptu Ice Nine reunion. This was an unexpected development. I’ve known all of those guys except for the singer and drummer for a long time. Ice Nine never made it to the northeast so this was my only chance to see them. When they hit the stage it was like a bomb dropped. The crowd went nuts and there were kids flying across the stage and dance floor. They played like it was the last time. You could feel the energy with every note.
I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a 14 plus hour drive back to New York.

WINTER HOURS
Gossamer
Dead kingdoms fall
These are the final days of our decline
This is the way
This is the burning cross on which we hang
The starless nights
Caressed by night side images of fear
Fear is the king
Fear is the way to break their mortal souls

Fear is the weapon
Fear is the weapon
Fear is the weapon
Fear is the weapon

Golden Eyes
Golden eyes the crimson path
Judge me now as I embrace the fall
Golden eyes staring down at me
The cold embrace my blood runs dry
Our world lays shattered
Our dreams lay broken
Pride armor of the dead
Pride armor of the dead

Beneath the Toxic Jungle
Existence calls for annihilation
Moonlit fields wait for me in these border lands
There is only one dream left to ponder
Final thoughts in this final hour
Vision burst into flame
None remain, nothing spared darkness devours
The wolf moon shines over blasted fields
No stars will shine in this infernal night
I can feel it burn my mortal soul
Torn apart
In this last caress
Feel it grasp around your neck
The Great Silence
I pulled the sun from the sky
Divine the scorn with serpent eyes
Born in the sun, live by the moon
Held with shadows dark embrace
Visions
Haunt my mind
Visions of Shadows
Plague my mind
I see the light
I watch them fall
Cancer in their hearts
Cancer in their hearts

The Divide
The city sleeps beneath stars
Night time swallows me in shadows
Sullen nights trapped beneath the wheel
Phantoms walk inside my room
They speak to me
Speak to me
Subtle shades lost on a callous mind
Speak to me
Shadow webs across the sky
I can see the stars collide
Obsessions with forgotten stars
Obsessions speak to me
They speak to me
It calls to me
Behold the Black Sun rise
Behold the Black Sun Rise
I’m wide awake
Wide awake
Wide awake

Merrimack
I hold you in my mind
Touched by hands of sadness
You can say you are alone
Hearts carved from forgotten stone
Look inside your soul
Find the emptiness
Buried deep inside
Your fall from grace
Walls of ice
This dark embrace
I can feel the days
Slip away
End of all these days
Forget all you know

Filled with Secrets
She is an echo lost in the void
Echo in a perfect world
Unknown in the dark
Behind the tree line
Filled with secrets
She fills my nightmares for all eternity
She rides the frozen moonlight
Descends into the dark
Behind the Tree line
Filled with Secrets
Her image fades
She speaks to me
Lost in the void
She calls to me
Seven Stars the Angel of Death
Bury the sun in the western sky
Old fields will fail and cities burn
Like dreams like visions I had
Like dreams from long ago
The ravens fly as death descends
The gods of war show no remorse
Our lives crushed by the wheel
In our hearts we know it’s true
Buried all in shallow graves
In death our hearts are true
In death we have no name
In death our hearts are true
In death we have no name
SPLIT 12-IN WITH PLANKS

Gods of Love and Suicide
Darkness falls on empty plains
Golden Eyes bleed twilight
An endless night lost in the void
Slowly fades to black
Her voice is like the howling wind
Her eyes are cold as ice
She is despair
She is annihilation
She is retribution
She is incineration
Cypress
You walk through silent halls alone
You live your life in slow denial
You broken heart breeds despair
You look for meaning in their lies
Trust me
Trust me
Trust me
Hold me close to your heart
I pray for Hell to claim this world
I dream of worlds on fire
I’ll fill your broken heart with lies
My heart is fire
Angels fall
My heart is fire
Angels fall
Cheval Noir
(Lyrics by April Goettle)
All the animals of the earth will look upon you
With fear and terror
I have placed them in your power
I ran so far, far for you
I ran so far, it’s true
I ran all night, my feet they bled
My bones were broke
I tried so hard, so hard for you
You keep me down, down
You keep me down, down
You keep me down, down
Running through the rushes
Running to the barren sea
I’m bleeding burning sacrificing
Angel’s knives are reaching for me
Hear my master’s voice he’s calling out to me…
S/T EP
Fountain of the World 666
Stay until the end I said
There’s no hospital waiting
To take you away
We hold on to these lives, to these lies
We can’t escape it
Over time our lives lose meaning
We’re left with nothing
Our paths are hollow
Over time our hearts stay broken
We’re left with nothing
But empty hands
Pay with your life
Pay with your life
Pay with your life
Course of Empire
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
Death’s silent kingdom calls
I travel to distant lands
And wash ashore under starless skies
Voices call
Our violent lives
I watch the fading stars shine
Let it near
Dead kingdoms dream
Hollow men filled with straw
Let it come take me away
Calvaire
This violent life has opened doors for me
When I came home there was nothing left
A lonely bed in an empty room on a dead end street
Sleepless nights under starless skies
It will change you
The god of death is the only god
Crimson skies traced out in flames
The river boils and the oceans rise
Death’s kingdom reigns in our final days
This is how it ends my love
This how the world will end
This is how it ends my love
Shadows of the way we were
Monuments
Prime the safety valves
Let the poison eat your soul
Dope valves opened wide
Walk the wasteland mile
Many miles away
I watch your cities burn
City states in the sand
Melt and blow away
My aim is true
My eyes are sharp
Nothing to lose
My memory fades
I become death
Black oceans rise
Just sink below
The black sultry waves
Darker than your Nights
They tell me this world will end
In blood and tears
I lie awake each night and count the ways
I’d like to die
It’s all a sense of time
Before the end engulfs this world
I lie to myself
About the way I live my life
They tell me they own me
Hallways of the Always
Ghosts walk through empty graves
I get blown away
I can see your dreams of suicide
Shining in your eyes
I can see the pain reflected in your eyes
Conflict in your eyes
Lost in decay
I feel lost somehow
I need to feel the pain
I need to know
I see the way
To secrets locked inside

5.15.2009    1245 hr        San Diego, CA
My day started at 0330 hr this morning; the car service guy showed up promptly at 0400 hr and drove me to La Guardia Airport where I waited until the security station opened.  I was among the handful of people who showed up early only to end up waiting the longest to get to their respective gates.  I only had a carry-on bag and my laptop so I checked in online and printed out my boarding passes the night before.  I dig being at the airport early in the morning and watching the place come to life.  The car ride over was quick, it was one of the rare times of day that the Grand Central Parkway isn’t filled with traffic.
I slept most of the way to Cincinnati; I had Jesu “Conqueror” playing in my headset and dozed off.  I tried to re-read a few bits from The Wasteland by T.S. Eliot but fatigue got the better of me.  The flight from Cincinnati to San Diego was completely sold out.  These two ex-Navy guys we sitting behind me so I listened in on their conversation.  One guy was in for 20 years and the other guy was in for about 15 years.  Both had been through divorces and were working on their second and third marriages.  The younger guy was a Desert Storm Vet and he was recalling that every few weeks the mail delivery would bring divorce papers to different guys.
I’m done with relationships.  I’m just not that guy.  You reach a certain point in your life and that’s pretty much who you are.  Maybe when I was younger, in my twenties, there could have been hope for me.
It was strange flying over the country knowing that the guys were down below driving the van.  I would much rather have left earlier in the week, but I had a ton of work to finish up  My life is going to be intense when I get back from this tour so having a job to go back to is a priority.  I have to find a new place to live, which at least in New York, means you have to throw down a ton of money.  I’m pretty much running on fumes financially these days, so there’s a lot of tension.
I’ve got a lot of time to kill before anyone shows up.  I don’t really know San Diego, nor do I have a lot of money to throw around so I’m just posting up at this Starbucks and drinking coffee.  It’s not hot and it’s not cold.  I can feel the breeze coming in from the ocean.  I’m a little drained from the flight; flying west is always kind of brutal for me.  It’s like you get to relive the last three hours but in a different place.  I have a feeling that today is going to be long.
I’m looking forward to getting on with this tour.  I can’t think of a cooler bunch of guys to be out on the road with.
5.16.2009    2230    Tempe, AZ
Isis is playing right now.  I’m sitting in this dingy little room listening through the wall.  The vibe at this place is a lot better than the venue we played a few weeks ago with Pelican; the staff is really cool and there isn’t that sleazy party atmosphere that the other place had.
The set went well, but we haven’t sunk into the tour mode; we aren’t in the zone where the set is automatic.  We had to give up a few rehearsal days to make the trek out to San Diego and as a result I feel a little rusty.  I think we played well, it’s just not “that thing” that you feel when the set is autopilot tight.  Last night was kind of the same trip, we played the set well but I didn’t have the total focus that I need to feel like I did a good job.
I spent pretty much all of yesterday by myself roaming around the neighborhood that the Kasbah is in.  I ended up sitting by the ocean for a few hours, reading and listening to music on my iPod.  At one point I walked down the boardwalk to a public rest room to use the facilities.  When I entered, I observed that there wasn’t any kind of enclosure around the toilet; it was just out in the open next to the urinal.  Also, this homeless dude was sitting on the toilet with his pants down.

I walked back to the Kasbah and sat outside and listened to “Show No Mercy” by Slayer.  These two black Sprinters rolled up like a Black Ops team.  It was the Isis guys.  Immediately the ball-busting ensued about how I flew out and the rest of the band drove across the country in the van.  That’s what I love about those guys: it’s like no time at all has passed and we just pick it up where we left off last time.
After the show we crashed at Andrew’s brother’s place.  I had been up for over 24 hours and I was starting to fade fast.  The coolest thing was that Andrew’s brother offered to drive Wilson to the airport so we could get some sleep.
We were stopped at the border into Arizona.  It was an odd situation: the border patrol had a check point set up on I-8 and we randomly pulling people over.  I suppose we fit the profile.  They lined us up and had a drug dog sniff out the van.  We were frisked and they took my knife, but eventually they gave it back.  It was the biggest waste of time.  They had another band detained as well, but, unfortunately for them, the drug dog started barking when he approached their van; better them than us.
Arizona is a drag.  The right wing attitude makes things a lot less than enjoyable.  It’s the land of the Whiteman.  It blows my mind that they just started celebrating Martin Luther King Day couple of years ago.
As we entered Tempe, I saw two dead pit bulls on the side of the road.  It looked like they had just been dumped out of a car, most likely casualties of a dog fight.
The plan tonight is to drive to Flagstaff and spend the night there.  It’s about 7 hours to get to Albuquerque.
5.18.2009    0048 Hr        Albuquerque, NM
Tonight was good.  I feel like I’m on tour.  The first two nights were kind of shaky for me, but I feel like I’m settled in and comfortable despite the fact that the show was delayed and the sound check was rushed.  Both bands arrived late so the door time was pushed back a bit.  People were filing in while we did a quick line check.  We were on stage getting sounds, no music was playing over the house system and kids were standing close the front of the stage because, according to their tickets, the show was supposed to be happening.  It was really uncomfortable.
Despite all of this, when it was time to play, I felt really settled in and deep in the music.  After the set we loaded out to the alley where the van was parked.  This old guy named Leonard came up and started talking to me.  I got the impression that he had been around, going to shows for a really long time.  He told me about hanging out with Mike Watt, the Anti Seen guys and a bunch of bands that I dug.  I hope I’m as cool as he is when I get older.  Most likely someone will take me out before I hit that age.
We walked down to this restaurant.  The venue had some kind of system worked out for the bands to get a free meal at this place called the Black Rose or something like that.  A lot of people were out for a Sunday night; Albuquerque has the vibe of a wild frontier town where, free and lawless.  Crews of heavy looking Mexican cats were cruising around in their tricked out rides.  These two guys were sitting in the bed of a pick up truck smoking out of a hookah.
Tomorrow is a travel day.  I’m looking forward to Austin.

5.19.2009    0012 hr        Fort Stockton, TX
We drove all day and now we’re dug in at a Motel 6 in this small town.  Our original plan was to try and make it to Austin today, but that proved to be a little too ambitious for us.  We ended up getting a late start.  I got a pretty decent workout in with Andrew this morning out in the parking lot of the motel.  I feel good; like I’m on the road and everything is falling into place.
The drive across West Texas gets real trippy when dusk falls, and night rolls in.  It’s like a distant moon of another planet.  I imagine being out here walking alone across the plains and encountering some kind of intense beast that would rip me apart and eat my flesh.  Every few miles, you’ll see the lonely beacons on the electrical towers.  At times, the highway is the only man-made think in sight.  The sky was huge and full of stars tonight; it makes me think of that Hammerhead song “Anemia” on the Ethereal Killer record.  I imagine Henry Lee Lucas driving these highways at this hour with his latest victim hacked up in the trunk of his stolen car.
Tomorrow we’ll be in Austin.
5.19.2009    1859 hr        Austin, TX
Isis is sound checking right now; Pelican just showed up.  I got a decent workout in earlier, I feel good.  Our show is in the outside part of Emo’s and Earth Crisis is playing inside.  Dave Welch, one of my old room mates from Boston, is tour managing Earth Crisis; I ran into him a couple of hours ago.
The drive was uneventful.  I’m looking forward to playing.
Austin is a music town.  There are a lot of cool spots to hang out, get food, buy records etc.  It’s too bad I have absolutely no money to do any of that stuff.  The vibe was a lot more sober than the last time we were here during SXSW.  There weren’t legions of drunken people roving the streets looking for action and adventure.  Austin was just a quiet Texas city.
5.21.2009    0859 Hr        Dallas, TX
I love Priceline.com.  The room we got last night was insane: living room, HD television, data connections.  It was probably the best room I had ever stayed in my entire life.  I’m down in the lobby eating the continental breakfast and drinking strong black coffee.
The show last night was good.  It was at this place called the Granada Theater, this huge venue.  I met some really cool people after the show; they were waiting for Isis to load out so they can get autographs, but when I was loading out our merch bins, they asked me to sign posters, records etc.  Maybe they thought I was in Isis?  I guess I was the second choice.
The last two days of playing have been good.  I feel comfortable with the set but I’m bummed that we had to cut back the set.  The new material is sitting well with the older material and all of our gear seems to be holding up.
It’s a really cool time travelling with the Pelican and Isis guys.  Everyone is cool and we all help each other out.
5.22.2009    1851 hr        Baton Rouge, LA
Last night started off real shaky but turned out to be one of the better nights for us on the tour.  When we arrived there was some confusion over which room the show was going to be in.  Joris, the Isis tour manager straightened it out but the process delayed the whole set up, sound check.  We were line checking when the doors were open and people were filing in.  It was really uncomfortable checking while kids were standing in front of you thinking the show was about to start.  We ran half a song and left the stage.  There wasn’t any music playing on the house system so it was totally silent when we left.
It was a really unprofessional, amateur situation in Houston.  The whole thing had a really sleazy vibe, I imagine that when there aren’t shows, they had wet t-shirt contests at the venue and bleach blonde women in short shorts walk around selling “shooters” and jello shots.  The sound guy wasn’t cool to us.  Apparently he had a recording of his band playing over the PA and Andrew commented about how much it sucked.  Granted, the dude left himself open for criticism by doing that but Andrew really should have kept his mouth shut, you never know who you can offend in a situation like that and it affects the band as well as himself.
In any event the sound guy was a total dick.  He should have been professional and dealt with it instead of being a bitch.  His band sucked and if you’re going to crank it up on a PA in front of a bunch of strangers, you should expect people to have an opinion.  It’s not our fault that he plays in a shitty hair metal band; at least Thorns thought it was cool.
We played well and according to Trevor, the sound was decent which was a surprise to me because I fully expected the sound guy to sabotage us.
It’s been real easy, no personal drama, everyone is getting along, the shows have been great and I get to hang out with cool people every day.  Harris has been stepping up the ball breaking and we’re having a good time.  It reminds me of when we worked together at the Newbury Comics Warehouse back in the 90’s.
It’s humid out here in Louisiana.  The air is thick and has a lot of weight to it.  This part of the country always seems eerie and wild to me: The Dirty South.  No wonder bands like Eyehategod and Soilent Green are from here.
I can hear Isis sound checking.  The new material is cool.  I used to think of them more as a collection of influences as opposed to a band, but this new record is a huge step for them.  Those guys have been working hard for a long time and they deserve every bit success; it’s been hard earned.
5.25.2009    0200 Hr        Tallahassee, FL
Andrew and I went to see the new Terminator movie tonight.  I dug it, he didn’t feel it. Today was a day off; we drove from Birmingham, AL to Tallahassee where we posted up at a hotel.  Tomorrow is a fairly short drive to Orlando, our next stop on the tour.
The shows have been good, we’ve been playing really well and that’s pretty much all I can ask for.  This is a great tour and once again, we’re in the no pressure opening slot.  Nobody expects us to draw anyone so all we have to do is show up on time, not get in anyone’s way and conduct ourselves professionally.  We’re along for the ride and hopefully we can turn some people on to what we’re doing.
I almost killed everyone in the van yesterday while we were driving through New Orleans.  We stopped for gas and coffee, when we got back on the highway there was some confusion over which road to take 610 or 10.  I was cruising at about 70 mph and not paying attention to the road when I noticed that the Route 10 lanes were almost at a complete stop.  The decision had been made for me so I took evasive action to avoid rear-ending the car in front of me, cut off two lanes of traffic and ended up on 610.  Luckily 610 was the downtown bypass and it turned out to be the best route.  I’ll have to make a mental note regarding this option when I’m driving through New Orleans again.  The guys were shaken up a bit, but I got a real charge out of the whole thing; there’s nothing like a shot of adrenaline.
We were a little behind schedule so there wasn’t much time for a sound check.  I’d never played in Birmingham so I didn’t know what to expect from the show.  The venue was really cool and the people running the show were friendly and helpful, they made us feel at home.
I haven’t felt like talking to anyone after the set so I went off on my own.  I made a call and opened up a really intense conversation that consumed most of my evening and ruined any chances of me having a decent evening. What a mistake; I feel like the best thing for me to do is tighten up and keep to myself, keep as much distance as I can.  I deserve all of the heartache; it’s the consequences.
I feel lonely tonight.  Everyone is asleep; the television is on with the sound turned low.  The most audible sound in the room is the air conditioner fan.  I feel really alone, like if I died nobody would bury my body.  I would just be left on the side of the road for vermin to pick on.  Sometimes I wish I could fade away, not die or anything dramatic like that.  I wish I could just walk away and fade into non-existence and shift out of phase with this reality.  I want to erase myself from everyone’s memory because I hurt everyone that is around me.
When I get back to New York, I have to find a new place to live.  I will never live with a woman ever again.  At this point of my life, I honestly feel that I am not programmed for a lasting relationship and the safest thing to do is live alone.
5.27.2009    1211 hr        Gainesville, FL
Isis is playing right now.  They sound great; it’s a pleasure watching them play every night.  It’s a typical college kind of crowd; they just stand there and you don’t know if they’re high or just fucking numb.  There was this dude with a shoelace style head band on standing in the front row with the most blank, vapid look on his face that I had ever experience.  The intensity of his disinterest was unbounded.  It bums me out that I noticed this.  I want to be in a totally detached place where I play and sink deep into the vibe of the music and not be connected to anyone out in the crowd.  It should never matter but sometimes it does and that makes me angry.  I would rather that someone hates us as opposed to not feeling anything.  There are many, many opportunities in life to not feel anything and I would hope that going to a heavy rock show would be your chance to feel something, even if it’s hatred for the band.
Last night in Orlando was cool.  I think it was one of the better sets on the tour and I met some cool people afterward.  There was an issue with the meal buy-out at the venue but Joris and the Isis guys covered our meal money out of their guarantee.  I was told by Thorns that id there were any more issues with buy-outs that they would cover it.  They are a rare group of guys and it means a lot to me that they chose to handle the situation like that as opposed to just cutting us loose.
During our set I saw a girl in the crowd that looked like this girl Julie that I knew a few years ago.  She looked just like her except she was wearing glasses and had bleach blonde hair.  She stared at me during our set.  I dreamed about her the other night.  In my dream, she was playing in an all-girl band and we were staying at their house.  I hadn’t thought about her in years and now I can’t get her off of my mind.
Why can’t I reach that place of ultimate detachment?
After the show, the van got a flat tire as we pulled into the parking lot of the hotel so we had to derail our plans on hitting Denny’s.  It took way too long for us to change the tire.
We got to town fairly early so I walked around a bit and checked out the town.  I never really felt that vibe in this town that everyone else seems to feel.  I realize that there was a killer scene here in the 90’s but I just never felt it down here.  It’s always been a bunch of bored-looking college types that I can’t relate to.
I feel on my own tonight.  There isn’t really anyone that I can relate to and I feel okay with all of that.  This is a good place for me to be in so I can focus on myself.
5.28.2009    2059 Hr        Atlanta, GA
I’m sitting in the dressing room waiting to play.  We all ate dinner at the restaurant attached to the venue tonight.
I feel cut off.  I’m hanging out with Aaron Harris a lot which helps me feel grounded.  I feel like talking to him plants my feet; he’s like a voice of reason in this chaotic bullshit that I’m dealing with.
We play in 20 minutes.
2342 hr
Isis is playing.  I really love their new material; it feels like they’re all peaking creatively.  This has been a really great tour so far.
We played well tonight.  Afterward this guy shook my hand and handed me a tiny bag of marijuana which I prompted gave back to him.  I told him I wasn’t into weed and mostly I just drink water and coffee.  He was cool about it.  As he walked away, I really should have taken it from him and gave it to Clifford or Chris, the Pelican sound engineer.  There was this really beautiful girl standing in front of me during the set dancing and going off really hard.  Afterward, when I checked in with Thorns at the merch area, she stared at me and I stared back until she looked away.  How would that go?  We can email each other and project all of our expectations onto each other and in the end we would let each other down or more realistically, I would let her down.
Tomorrow is a long drive.  I want to go to the hotel and sleep.
0246 Hr
I drive the van and I feel like I’m by myself.  Today was cool: I listened to AC/DC “Highway to Hell” and a bunch of Thin Lizzy.  Even though the van is full, I feel alone as the miles melt away.  This is a solitary trip for me; I don’t need anyone.
The text message is one of the most terrible developments in modern communication.  I received transmissions today that caused me much confusion and sadness as well as the usual alienation, self-disgust and depression.  I’m drawn to the concept of changing my number and only giving it to Relapse, various work-related people, the band and my family.
In my mind, I create the perfect world for us to live in.
5.29.2009    1852 Hr        Carrboro, NC
I’m sitting in the dressing room.  A tiny fan is blowing on me and I can hear Isis sound checking.  Thorns and I ate dinner at this burrito place up the street from the venue.  It was decent.
Carson did most of the driving today.  I drifted between sleep and wakefulness for most of the day.  I felt worn out today; it feels like I’ve been on a steady decline for the past few days, I don’t even have enough energy to train. I crashed out in the backseat and put my headphones on and cranked Bethlehem, Bauhaus, Tool and Behexen.  For most of the day I didn’t even know the name of the town we were travelling to.
I think there’s a college here in Carrboro.
It appears that Pelican have arrived; I can hear Joris, Isis’s Belgian tour manager berating Laurent and calling him a “Fucking Frenchie.”
2340 Hr
Tonight’s set was a little rough, but I’ll take it.  I felt rundown all day and I think it carried into our performance.  I sat on the couch right up until it was time for us to go out on stage.  I felt off balance and behind the whole time I was playing.
Isis is playing.  I can hear everything really well from up here in the dressing room.  They sound great and I mean that in a genuine way, not some glad-hand “nice set dude” way.
I’ve been kicking back working on some email interviews and going over the budget plan for the European tour with Buried Inside.
I feel exhausted.  I did a few sets of pull-ups off of this frame in front of the venue.
5.30.3009    1952 Hr        Washington, DC
We’re loaded in.  Tonight we play at the Black Cat, one of the best venues you can play at, probably because the venue is owned and run by people that play in bands.  I saw another woman that looks like this girl that I used to know working at the venue.  She had the same “I’m not impressed by you whatsoever” look on her face.  It made me feel really sad and alone; on some level, I feel like if I could have made it work with her, I’d be a lot better off in my life right now.  That’s probably just another lie I’m telling myself so what difference does it really make.
We stopped in at Richmond to hang with Dave Witte. As usual, it was cool seeing him.  We hit this killer Italian place called Edo’s for lunch, then it was over to Ellwood’s for coffee and provisions, then back on the road.
0002 Hr
Isis is playing right now.  They sound killer.
Our set was pretty good, much better than last night; I felt much more present and not completely weak and worn out.  According to Jeff Caxide, people dug us.  I try not to focus on whether or not people are into the music or not or what their reaction is, I want to remain deep in the music and focused on what I’m doing.  If you need to see your reflection in other people’s eyes, I feel like you’re setting yourself up for a world of heartbreak.  People are so fickle; they can love you one day and not give a fuck about you the next day.  I don’t expect anyone to dig what we’re doing, but if they do that means a lot to me.  It shows me that you care and that maybe you can relate to some of the concepts that I’m trying to express.
Earlier today I was talking to Caxide and he told me that he read somewhere that some kid at one of the shows was bored by all three bands.  The first question that comes to mind is why the fuck would you waste your hard-earned money on a show that will bore you?  I don’t give a fuck if anyone has a good time at any show we play; I’m there the make myself feel something instead of the relentless depression that I live through when I’m not on the road.  If you want to post something on a message board about how we bore you, be my guest, the joke is on you because you should have stayed home, jerked-off, beat your girlfriend or whatever you think will make you feel something.
There are some people in this world that exist only as a collection of ideas.  They don’t have any feelings of their own, it’s all just shit they read in a book and recite to make themselves seem more interesting than they really are.  It’s a heavy scene to look at the world through their eyes and feel all of the insecurity.  The world is a hole.  It will suck all of your energy and feelings and leave you empty and used up.
There’s a really beautiful woman that works here, I think she’s the manager of this place.  She does not give a fuck about you and what band you’re in at all; she’s all business and only cares about getting the job done.  I feel this deep ache when I think about her.  She may as well be on the top of some distant mountain top because she has no interest at all in getting to know any of us.  I imagine that guys in bands are constantly hitting on her and she has to deal with all of that weak male ego bullshit on a nightly basis.  What an amazing machine she is.
It’s best this way.  What kind of future could there ever be in a situation like this?  It’s best that we never meet because now I can project whatever personality I want onto her and think about her when I fall asleep in some nameless hotel room tonight.  That’s the best escape when you’re lonely, it’s better to construct some mystery girl from your imagination than think about an actual woman that you know; if you go that route, you have to consider the whole trip and not just “The Sweet Surrender” of getting her pants down.  I even made up a name for this manager woman; her name is Danielle.  That works for me I suppose.
It’s funny sitting in this room.  I can hear Isis ripping it to shreds upstairs and next door in the “club” I can hear Joy Division playing.  Ian Curtis is pleading “Dance, Dance, Dance to the Radio” and right now, I really know how he feels.

5.31.2009    2300 hr        Baltimore, MD
I feel like we played well tonight.  It was cool to see a few familiar faces from the last few times we rolled through Baltimore.  I’m not a fan of this venue; nobody seems to know what they’re supposed to do and the location is in a really desolate part of town far away from anything interesting.  It’s a far cry from the Black Cat down in DC.
We stayed with our friend Cole in Annapolis last night.  It was good to kick back and hang out in a laid back setting, get some sleep and not feel like we’re being rushed to check out.  We only had about a 30 mile drive to Baltimore so we had ample time to eat lunch and chill out.  I hit the local Borders and picked up The Hellbound Heart by Clive Barker and the Martyrs DVD.
Isis is playing right now; I think that they have about 30 minutes to go in their set.
Baltimore is a sad a lonely place.  It’s a place that no one seems to give a fuck about, not the people, not the politicians who make the decisions or people like me who just roll through, do their thing and leave.  It’s a stop over point to the next destination.  I have to admit that I really don’t like coming here, but I will continue to show up and play as long as anyone wants me to.  I’ll play anywhere, I’m easy, just set up a show and I’ll be there; throw in some money, food and a case of water and it’s even better.
I don’t want this tour to end, but it will.
6.02.2009    1036 hr        Brooklyn, NY
I’m sitting on the couch at my apartment.  Yesterday was a day off so I had an opportunity to sleep in, get some rest, eat food and deal with some of the business that I have with my landlord.
The show in Baltimore the other night was cool.  There were some familiar faces at the show from the last few times we played there.  I think we played well; it was a little cramped on stage with all of the Isis gear but we made it happen.  It’s easy to get used to this type of tour where there’s a big stage, a real PA and hospitality riders but I can’t lose touch with the reality that if we were out here on our own, it would be a completely different situation.
After the show we drove back to Brooklyn.  Laurent and Gallagher caught a ride with us for the three hour blast up I-95.  How many times have I made that run in my lifetime?  It’s always a late-night journey when I’m beat and just want to hit the rack.  We got into town at 0415; I parked the van at Thorns’ place in Kensington and Andrew, me and Laurent caught a car service.
Load in is at 1700 so I have the rest of the day to kick back.  Tonight, we play at Irving Plaza which is a kind of a heavy scene for me.  I remember seeing the Rollins Band play there a few years ago and thinking that it would be a trip to play on that stage at some point but at the time, it seemed like an extremely unlikely scenario.  Well, it’s a good thing Isis can fill that room.

6.04.2009    1708 Hr        Northampton, MA
We’re all sound checked and set up.  I’ve been snacking all day long on a variety of foods: sushi, flax seed tortilla chips, dried mango and now hummus with pita bread.  It strikes me as funny that every venue seems to always get the same brand of hummus but don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for whatever they give us.  Last night, in Philly I ate the best falafel that I think I’ve ever tasted.  It was served by a beautiful Middle Eastern woman with an exotic accent that had these really intense brown eyes.  My experience was almost ruined by this freaky homeless lady that wanted to sit with me.  She asked if she could sit down and I firmly, but politely told her that I’d rather eat alone.
I’m sitting in the backstage room; everyone is outside of the venue.  The walls of the room are covered with graffiti, mostly of huge, veiny penises.  I’m regarding a drawing of a gorilla with a gigantic, realistically drawn cock and balls.  The drawings of women are poorly rendered and kind of abstract; it’s as if the artists were more focused on the penises and the women were more or less backgrounds.
The show at Irving Plaza was cool.  I feel we played well.  Chris mixed our sound that night and made us sound large out front. It’s extremely cool that he gave up his time to make sure we had a strong sound; whenever someone goes beyond the call of duty it means a lot to me.  I’m hoping that we can have a decent budget on the next tour so we can bring out own sound engineer. He’s been kind of looking out for us during sound check because you never know what you might have to deal with when you work with the house engineers.  Most of the guys we’ve dealt with have been really good but there have been a few exceptions.  The set was good and despite some of the personal issues going on, everything ran more or less smooth.
I remember seeing the Rollins Band play at Irving and thought that it would be cool to someday play in this venue.  It’s pretty meaningless in the big picture but it meant a lot to me to have a chance to do our thing in that place.
The next day we drove down to Philly and stopped at the Relapse office to deal with some paperwork for the impending Canadian border crossing.  The promoter in Montreal has been dragging his feet so I had to enlist Gordon’s help.  He hooked us up with some of the new Relapse releases; I scored the ne Coalesce record as well as some other older stuff like Atheist, Agoraphobic Nosebleed and the Baroness record.
I don’t feel like I played very well last night in Philly.  I got off to a rough start and never really got back on track. To make things worse, I broke a string and had to switch guitars.  I noticed that my E string was ever so slightly out of tune so, though it may not have been that noticeable to anyone else, it was like knives being plunged into my spine.
We crashed at Gordon’s place out near the office.
6.05.2009    0943 hr        Holyoke, MA
We played well last night and for the most part, it appeared that people dug our set.  Andrew had a lot of friends and family at the show so I know it was important to him that we delivered a good set.  Afterwards, I drank a container of Gatorade and hung out with Randy Larson.  It was good to kick back; I can’t remember the last time we hung out.
I’m in our hotel room.  I have Mazzy Star playing on my iPod; Hope Sandoval has a haunting voice but the mood has to be right for their records.  Today is kind of overcast and I’m sitting here alone drinking Holiday Inn coffee so the mood is right.
Pelican are staying here as well.  There are only a few days left on this leg of the tour and then we go home.  Pelican travels on to Chicago then it’s over for them.  Keelhaul jumps on in Cleveland.  I’m not sure who the bands on the West Coast leg are, but I wish we were doing the whole thing because I’m not looking forward to being home.  We don’t leave again at this point until November when we head over to Europe so I’m hoping that I can stay busy during the coming months.
Boston is tonight.  There will be a lot of friends at the show.  I just got an email from Thos telling me that he has the flu and will not be in attendance this evening.  Bummer.
6.6.2009        2206 Hr        Montreal, QC
Last night, after the show, during the load-out Turner rolled up to me and said, “I think it’s somebody’s birthday,” and some of the Isis guys sang happy birthday.
Boston was cool.  I think it was one of the better sets of the tour.  I got a chance to hang out with a lot of friends but it’s always hard to catch up with everybody in a setting like this.  I spent most of the night hanging out with Chris Lorden and Schmoyer.  After the set, we ate dinner at an awesome Thai restaurant down the street from the venue.  I’ve know both of those cats for a lot of years.
Isis had to turn in one of their black Sprinters for a grey one.  Apparently there was an issue with the AC leaking into the van but I have to say, it doesn’t look as intense with the gray van.
We stayed with Robin out at his place in Somerville and left for Canada at about 0900 Hr.  I had been stressing about the border crossing but everything went smoothly.  We had our paperwork together and we were pretty much in and out.  Soon after we rolled up to the immigration office, the Isis convoy and the Pelican guys pulled up.
The venue tonight, is a beautiful theater located in the gay part of St. Catherine’s.  Thorns bought me lunch at this killer Thai place down the street from the venue.  We ran into Joris, he had one of the most intense smiles on his face that I’ve ever seen.  I suppose the plethora of hot, available guys put him in a good mood.  Man, I have to admire gay guys; it seems like such a no-bullshit lifestyle.  If two guys want to get down, they just go for it.  I suppose the downside is that you can contract a horrible virus that will kill you dead.
The set tonight was cool.  Pelican is playing.  Shan and Vince are here like old times.
6.08.2009    0245 Hr        Toronto, ON
The tour is over; the only thing left is the drive back to New York.  Isis has about two weeks left and Pelican drops off in five days, but for us, the mission is complete.  I feel empty right now.  We settling in at the hotel and in a few hours, we get back on the road.  When I hit the last chord of the last song, it hit me that we’re done, it was the last set of the last show as far as our involvement on this tour goes.
We loaded out; I dried off and then checked in with Thorns at the merch table.  I felt like we played okay despite the fact that I made a fairly big mistake in the first song.  There were a few points in the set where I dropped the ball, but the energy levels were up.  The best night as far as playing was Boston, I felt like we all operated at a high level of intensity.
Chris Profound Lore was at the show, we hung out and he gave me a few of the new releases.  I signed two copies of our record while standing at the table and my friend Kevin from Buffalo was at the show.
I hung out at the side of the stage while Isis played.  They were on point as usual.  As the set drew to a close, I was overtaken by really intense emotion and began thinking about all of the years that I’ve known those guys and how much I value their friendship.  They’re a group of the best people that I know and I feel fortunate to be out on the road with them; I feel fortunate that I’m still able to do this every night.
All of that was crushed when the text messages started rolling in.  Instead of saying goodbye to my friends and hanging out on the last night of the tour I was on the phone dealing with some personal situations. Deep down, at the bottom of all of this, I know that I brought it all on myself because I’m weak and can’t manage my personal relationships.  Everything is so much simpler when you don’t feel anything for anyone; I feel like wiping away all of the emotions.
I need to sleep, I’m beat and we have a long drive back tomorrow.  I feel empty and useless because the realization has dawned on me that I don’t really have much going for me except music.  I imagine in a few years when this is all over I’ll b living in some nowhere town in Central Jersey, alone, because I will have destroyed every relationship that I’ve ever had.  I’ll be the guy that you see eating dinner at the counter of Denny’s that sits there for hours drinking coffee.  I’ll die alone in my apartment in front of the television and no one will even know that I’m dead until the smell alerts the landlord.

3.13.2009 0755 Brooklyn, NY
We ship out tonight at around 2100 Hr. The first show is in Indianapolis, so the plan is to break up the drive between tonight and tomorrow. I still have a lot to do before leaving tonight. Aside from the miscellaneious errands that I have to do, I have to meet Custer at 1700 hr. for a video shoot in the city. Hatebreed is doing a covers record and Custer is producing a series of videos to support the release. One of the covers is “Thirsty and Miserable” by Black Flag and Kevin wants to shoot me into the video somehow. It should be interesting.
I’m looking forward to getting out there. Soon it will be shows every night, no sleep and long drives.
3.14.2009 2044 Indianapolis, IN
We drove most of last night and all of today. I forgot how long of a trip it is out to Indianapolis if you drive it straight. We’re all loaded in and now I just want to play. Tonght should be cool, Dream is Dead is playing and I’m stoked to see them rip it up. There’s a lot of old friends here.
The thing with Kevin ended up not working out yesterday, which was a bit of a relief. I was busy right up until we left. We shipped out around 2100 hr and drove until about 0300 then crashed at a hotel. We were out the door at 0900 hr. Something really interesting happened on the Ohio Turnpike today. When I travel, for some reason, I really enjoy the horrible coffee you get out of one of those vending machines that are sometimes stationed at rest stop. They’re the ones that are tucked away in the snack kiosk next to the coke machines. You put in your money and punch in what you want. A cup drops down and a mixture or freeze dried coffee and hot water pour in. This time around, the machine offered Starbucks coffee. It wastn’t great, but it wasn’t all that bad either.
3.15.2009 1724 Iowa City, IA
We arrived about an hour ago. Dredg is sound checking; they were sound checking when we showed up. Boy, there is a lot of gear on stage. I just ran into Trevor and the Pelican guys. They all seem really cool. This should be a good tour.
Last night’s show was good. The Dream is Dead ripped it up. We had some trouble with the PA during our set but managed and there was a handful of stragglers that hung around for our set. It reminded me of about a thousand other shows that I’d played in my lifetime. I was stoked to see Alexander T; the last time I saw him, he was still singing in Lickgoldensky. It was good to hang out with Jared, Clark, McCash, Fouts and all of the other Indy guys. Fouts calculated that we have known eachother for over ten years. There’s a lot of history between all of us; all based on our attempts to express ourselves.

0045
We’re hanging out at Phil’s place. The movie “Roadhouse” is playing. We just ate a big meal and I’m worn out.
There was an issue earlier on with Dredg’s tour manager; it was more like a misunderstanding but Thorns and I straightened it out. Those guys roll with a big crew so the discussion was over meal buy-out money. We had to have a talk but I think we’ll be on the same page from here on out. We’re only with them for a few days. I watched a bit of their set; not my thing, but a lot of the young people at the show seemed to be into it. Iowa City seems like a Dredg kind of town. On the contrary, it does not seem like a Tombs kind of town. During our set, I occasionally glanced at the kids in the crowd only to see blank faces.
I’m looking forward to playing tomorrow.
The interesting thing about travelling in the Midwest is how cities sort of pop up out of nowhere. We were driving across Iowa and I saw a sign that read 15 miles to Iowa City. All I saw was miles of cornfields then suddently, you’re in the city. It’s typical for this part of the country.
0758 Hr
I just woke up. I’m listening to “To Drown a Rose” by Death in June in my head phones. Today is the first day we don’t have to wake up and drive all day to get to the show. The other guys are asleep.
Phil and his wife are really cool. They made us feel completely at home. The house is immaculately clean, artwork is hanging on the walls. The shades are drawn and the morning light is filtering through.

3.17.2009 Tulsa, OK 1726 Hr.
The phonecall last night took me by surprise.
Last night’s set was good. We played at this venue that used to be called the Hurricane a few years ago. It was an interesting mix of regular people that most likely were there to see Dredg and heavy music fans. Dredg went on after us and did their kind of predictable thing with the vocals and guitar effects. Their whole thing is kind of funny; they’re rolling with this 8 person travel group yet they can only really draw about 100 people each night. I noticed that on the nights they headline over Pelican, a substantial amount of people wander out of the venue. It’s good to be the opening band of a tour like this, nobody expects you to draw anyone so there’s no real pressure. The downside is that the pay isn’t all that great.
The set is totally dialed in. The rehearsal payed off. It feels strong.
Tomorrow we loose Dredg. Apparently, Tricky is playing tomorrow which should add even more lame major label attitudes to the mix of personalities on this trip. It’ll be cool to not have to look at the Dredg tour manager guy anymore. He keeps glancing over at me and if tonight is the night he wants to say something to me, it may be a big mistake for him.
I feel shot today. The last few days have been pretty severe driving days. Today was okay but tomorrow is 8 hours to San Antonio and the next night is going to be an overnight.
This is the part of the country that makes me feel lonely.
3.18.2009 1734 Hr Little Rock, AR
We just rolled into the club. I don’t remember much from the last two days except that I drove almost 1500 miles single-handedly. The routing has been really intense; we drove down from Tulsa to San Antonio then out here to Little Rock. We have to be in Austin tomorrow for our involvement with SXSW. We’ll be busy but at least there won’t be any drives and we can kick back. Rachel is putting us up so there will be sanity and a nice place to hang out in.
I remember Tulsa being kind of a rough one. The stage was big and it was hard to hear anything. Dredg sound checked right up to door time sowe didn’t really get an opportunity to set up a monitor mix. It wa St. Patrick’s day so a legion of dudes wearing green were there, getting drunk and getting groovey to Dredg. That’s pretty much their crowd: generic, drunk meatheads with their generic girlfriends. Apparently, our buddy, their tour manager, was suffering from food poisoning and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We shipped out during their set and drove about 200 miles. That was Tulsa, OK.
Last night in San Antonio was the last night of our dates with Dredg. I didn’t speak to any of the guys in the band the whole time we were out with them. Their whole thing was kind of alien to me. They had this road crew with them who loaded and unloaded their gear while they sat and worked on their laptops. This is a band that, without Pelican to help out, couldn’t really draw more than 100 people in my opinion. When Pelican finished their set, I noticed a substantial amount of people bailing. Honestly, I’ve never heard of Dredg before. When I saw their name on the itinerary, I thought they were an Eastern European Black Metal Band. Apparently, after this one, they ship out with Torche for a full US tour.
The bill in San Antonio was Tricky (!!!), Dredg, Pelican and us. The venue was this 700 perso capacity club located in a strip mall on the outskirts of San Antonio. It appeared that the place had been recently constructed because everything seemed brand new. When we got to the club Tricky’s band was sounchecking. It sounded pretty massive. There was this huge tour bus and trailer parking in back of the venue and Tricky was hanging out shadow boxing.
We parked the van in front of the side loading door. Tricky waved to us and invited us to take whatever we wanted from his catering and make ourselve’s at home. Cool guy, not like Kevin, Dredg’s tour manager. I guess that’s the difference between someone who is successful and a band like Dredg.
We played and I think a lot of the ‘roided out Budweiser enhusausts and their girlfriends werent’t into it.
On my way out to the van, I saw Laurent from Pelican cranking out pushups next to their trailer.

3.20.2009 2320 Austin, TX
I’m kicking back at Rachel’s place; I just took a shower and now I’m getting ready to hit the rack for the evening. The other guys are downtown checking out the SXSW festivities. The Southern Lord Showcase is tonight, that’s where Pelican, Wolves in the Throne Room and Wino are playing. That sounds like a show that I should go to, but I’m beat and I could use a decent meal and a good night’s sleep. Rachel is out so I’m here alone except for her room mate. On the way to getting food, he gave me and Dave a rundown on his situation: he just got out of the penitentary about two months ago and he needed a place to stay. Rachel offered her spacious house to him. He seems like a cool guy; he was locked up on an alcohol-related assault charge and has ben clean and sober for the past 9 months or so.
We drove through the night to get here from Little Rock. I drove for a few hours at night with Thorns riding shotgun. Carson and Andrew took over for the early morning run. We made Austin by about 0900 hr. The Lttle Rock show seems so long ago even though it was less than 24 hours in the past. I remember Laurent showing me this really intense tattoo of the cover of Judas Priest’s “Screaming for Vengeance” album cover. We checked in and went straight to Snake Eyes Record Store where the first show was. It was your basic D.I.Y. set-up. There was an alternating trip going on where a band would be playing out in the parking lot while another band was setting up inside. I caught Black Cobra and Thou and the other bands were kind of a blur. The high-point of the day was meeting Wino. He was hanging out at the show and I saw that Andrew was talking to him so I went up and introduced myself. He seemed like a cool guy. Honestly, it had the same weight as if I had met Greg Ginn, his music really means a lot to me.
We played well. It was kind of hard to hear eachother but we powered through the whole thing. I met this dude at the show named Juan. He was wearing one of the Shirtkiller Tombs shirts. It was the first time I had seen the actual shirt up close and it looked pretty radical to me. He had a “Winter Hours” LP and asked me to sign it. I felt kind of uncomfortable but he really wanted to get my signature so I went ahead and signed it for him. That was the third “autograph” I gave out on this tour. Weird.
After the set, we headed over to our “Official” SXSW Showcase inside the SXSW Zone. They had a few streets blocked off , so we need a special pass that we secured at registration to drive the van in. It was complete mayhem. There were people everywhere walking infront of the van, getting drunk and trying to take in the whole vibe. I suppose SXSW can be fun if you’re not in a band and don’t have to worry about a van, gear or trying to play a show.
Gordon and some of the Relapse guys were at the show. We loaded in, set up, did a really quick sound check and launched into the set and then it was over. The fatigue had really started to set in about halfway through but I kept my head in the game.
After the set, we loaded out and everyone kind of went off on their own. I was definitely not in the mood to hang out with anyone so I drove out here with Dave. Thorns told me that Justin Ennis popped his head in to check out our set. Apparently, he’s down here as a roadie / sound guy for another band. Thorns said he walked in watched us play, shook his head and bailed.
I’m going to hit the sack.
3.22.2009 1109 Austin, TX
This is day 3 in Austin. Last night was the official end of the SXSW trip. We played an in-store at Waterloo Records. The stage was super small but we managed to work it all out. I felt that we played well but it was harde to tell if the sounb was good or not. After our set, we did an interview for Alarm magazine and then everyone kind of went their own ways.
There is so much going on down here that it’s hard to decide what to do. Many of the roads are closed off, choked with people, buying food from street vendors and drinkinkg beer. I suppose that SXSW would be fun if you weren’t in a band and wanted to hang out, watch bands and party. The whole scene was a little stressful for me.
I spent most of the night hanging out by myself, walking around Austin, taking in the whole vibe of the place. I was thinking about how cool it was to meet Wino on Friday. He was exactly how I hoped he would be; he was like a character out of a movie. Not having accurate intel on who was playing where or at what time gave me a level of freedom to just sort of take everything in. There were stages set up everywhere. I checked out this band playing in ther parking lot of a restaurant. There were about 10 people there. As the night went on, people got drunker and the scene got more chaotic.
3.23.2009 Austin, TX 1124 Hr
The show last night was cool. Radar Records put the showcase together and had Wolves, Pelican and us play at the end. It was a long day, 11 bands played. I don’t feel like communicating today. We have a brutal amount of miles to cover over the next two days. No shows for two days and a lot of miles to cover. I’m looking forward to getting out of Austin and back on the trail.
We played with this band called Battlefields that totally kicked my ass.
Before we left town, we hit Waerloo Records. I procured a copy of Mike Watts’s book and a collection of Raymond Pettibon Black Flag postcards.
3.24.2009 Tuscon, AZ 2314
We’ve been driving solidly for two days. We spent last night in some town whose name I can’t remember. I remember stopping at various points during the night and looking out across the West Texas plains and telling the other guys that we were in it now. The terrain changed over night. When we stepped out into the morning light, it was desert.
The drive today was smoothe and uneventful,. I heard from Will; apparently, the Wolves van is fixed and they’re on their way. They lost a whole day of travel so they have some hard miles ahead of them.
I like travelling through this part of the country. It feels so lonely out here in the vast silence. I’m thinking about how breat taking last night’s sunset was. The sky was deep azure with smears of orange. There wasn’t another soul for miles, just the van cutting across the highway. I felt small and inconsequencial. I remember pulling over at one of the rest stops and seeing a sign that read “Beware of Poisonous Snakes and Insects” and realized that you can die out here very easily. The desert goes on forever, you can see the mountains in the distance then, suddenly there is a town. You start to the see the uniformity of civilization, the Denny’s, Starbucks, Circle K signs.
The plan for tonight was to meet up with the Pelican guys, have dinner at this Mexican Restaurant and meet up with one of their friends that works at a venue called Plush. When we parked, we ran into the guys from Battlefields. They played at a D.I.Y. venue about a block away. It was them and their tour mates Irepress. The other guys went to Plush to check out Early Man and I hung out to see Battlefields. They sounded massive, what a great band. There were like ten people at the show and Rusty, the singer thanked them for coming out. It was their third time in Tuscon. It made me realize how lucky we are to be on such a great tour with such great people and how a band like Battlefields are on their way to becoming a hard, well-functioning machine by playing these shows. I know that side of it. I’ve done tours like that for years; the hard drives to no place to play in front on no one. It makes me feel like a lightweight when I bum out about not getting our fiull meal buy-out.
1700 Hr Tempe, AZ
We’re loaded in and waiting for the sound engineer to show up. It’s a five band bill tonight; Early Man and some other band is playing tonight. We’ve been here for about two hours; I had this excellent meal at an Ethiopian restaurant before heading over to the venue. It was a Hemingway moment. The food was great and I finished off with a strong sweet espresso.
I keep fucking up and I deserve to be alone. I deserve my own company. You think you deserve me and I don’t deserve anyone because all I do is wear people out. It would be so nice to go somewhere and disappear. I don’t want to know anyone and I don’t want anyone to know me. It’s simpler that way; it’s easier to not get hurt when you stay far away from me.
The bar people are starting to show up. They’re cranking Guns ‘n’ Roses. I put my headphones on and deployed some Death in June.
1.26.2009 1713 Hr San Diego, CA
I woke up in a sketchy motel room in the desert with blood on the walls this morning and now I’m in San Diego. The venue is close to the ocean. I believe that the airport is nearby. I’ve observed several low flying planes on their descent. My favorite part of the trip happened today. We drove west across the desert in Arizona into the desert of Eastern California. The brush gave way to huge sand dunes and then back to brush as the highway wound it’s way into the low hills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. It was a steep climb into the mountains. I felt like Charlie Manson and his dreams of ATWA. The drop into the valley was spectacular. You can feel the drastic change in air temperature.
The only downside was running out of gas on the I-8 / I-5 interchange. Our fuel tank sensor crapped out so I’ve been estimating the amount of fuel in the tank based on the miles we drove. About every 300 miles, I’d get gas. The trip into the mountains must have really taxed the efficiency because our tank was bone dry. I called AAA and this dude showed up with a flatbed truck, drove to a fuel station and we gassed up.
Last night in Tempe was a good night for us. The show was packed like all of the shows on this tour. It’s nice being the opening band and not having to have any pressure on you to draw any people. We’re totally just along for the ride. Luckily the Wolves and Pelican fans have been really receptive to us. Some of the Battlefields guys were there; apparenty, they tried to get on the bill, but weren’t able to swing it. Instead, this hipster metal band with no gear played. They used to be on Matador and had a song on some HBO show. Their first record was a stoner rock style album and their new one is a thrash metal style album. They came off as totally false guys. I remember when they were done playing they said “We’re Early Man from Brooklyn, NY,” appartently they all live in L.A.
We played well despite the poor sound situation on the stage. The sound man was drunk and pretty much useless. He was doing that thing where he speaks to you through the monitors during your set.
I ran Wolves’ smoke machine last night. It set off a smoke alarm so the venue staff told me to stop.
The venue itself was kind of a strange setup. One side was a pool hall with an outdoor patio. The other side is a venue. An area was cordoned off with caution tape to delineate the overage and underage sections. I thought aout how much I hate alcohol and dealing with drunk people and the caution tape became this kind of epxressionist thing for me where it “cautioned” you about going into the bar and getting wasted. You may tunr into an asshole; you may become one of those bloated douchebags that wears a backwards baseball cap and an untucked dress shirt.
3.27.2009 1115 Hr. LA, CA
We drove up to Thompson’s place in LA after the show in San Diego. He was wearing a bathrobe when we arrived. The ride seemed really long; about a half hour out, I switched with Carson. When we rolled into Thompson’s place, I hung out for a bit and crashed in a spare room. Laura, WITR’s merch person, rode up with us. Mark Holmes is on board until we get to Seattle. The vibe on the tour is really cool, everyone is helping eachother out and working together.
I had a few technical issues last night during the set. I broke a string in the first song; that always kind of takes you out of the game for a while; then there was an issue with my back up guitar; I ended up switching back to the guitar with the broken string and finishing the set with 5 strings. Will had some issues with his head during the WITR set. It was an evening of gear issues.
I ran into Chris Vanacore, the dude that used to play drums in Jejune last night. I barely recognized him. I had been thinking about those guys recently. Apparently, he and Joe still play together and Araby is married and pregnant.
I feel detached and alone. I don’t want to talk to anyone and I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I just want to be on the road, play shows and move on. When I talk to people, I’m giving them the answers they want to hear. I don’t know how I feel about anything. you. I run the movies in my head, I lay down to sleep at night.
I went out for coffee this morning with Trevor, Laurent, Andrew, Thorns and Laura. I like LA if I don’t have to deal with anyone except the people that I want to deal with. The coffee place was cool and filled with happy California people.

3.28.2009 2328 San Francisco, CA
We got here a little later than we should have tonight. After the show last night, in L.A. Mark had some people over to his place. It was great seeing everyone, I wish I had more time to hang out but the show was really packed and I wasn’t really in a good mental place to begin with. I don’t imagine that I am very good company for anyone at this point. I just want to be up on the road and playing shows.
The set tonight went well. I think it was one of the better sets of the tour as far as playing goes. In these big venues, I try to concentrate more on my singing because most of the time, the engineers are solid and you can hear everything out of the front of house. Tonight was particularly memorable. The whole staff here is really cool. We had a dressing room, hot coffee, a tray of chips and guacamole, water, beer and a bowl of assorted food bars. There was also this really excellent meal of chicken, rice, beans, salad. Jose, the cook told us that his favorite band is playing tonight: Wolves in the Dark Throne.
She was kissing this really dangerous looking guy but she was looking at me over his shoulder. Her eyes told me that she had a lot of good things to give but you would hate yourself for getting to know her. I stared into her eyes. I imagine the guy would kick my ass if he knew I was looking at her. She had his tongue in her mouth but her eyes were opened and she was staring at me.
I met this dude tonight from EMG pickups tonight. I WAS a Seymour Duncan man, but I may turn into an EMG man.

3.30.2009 1909 hr Bellingham, WA
I’m sitting in the venue waiting to load onto the stage and sound check. Pelican are up there now doing their check. Wolves haven’t gotten here yet. I got a text message from Will earlier today saying that their trailer is all fixed. Those poor guys have had a rough time with mechanical issues: first their transmission, then a series of blown out tires and then, during ther overnight from San Francisco to Portland one of the tires on their ttrailer blew out. Will told me that when he jacked the trailer up, the tire just fell off.
It’s cold any gray outside. I used to live here a long time ago in what seems like another lifetime. I’ve been back here a few times over the years on tour. At this point, I don’t think I know anyone that lives here. What’s the point in staying in touch anyway? The town looks a lot different. Cellophane Square, the cool record shop is gone and there’s a Starbucks at the corner of State Street and Railroad. I’m hoping to head over to Fairhaven tomorrow, but I think it’ll be a disappointment. I used to hang out at this place called Tony’s Coffee; I’m sure it’s been replaced by an Urban Outfitters or American Apparel store.
The venue isn’t far from the building that I used to live in. It was an interesting period of my life. I remember this girl I met at a party one night. She was from San Diego and quite striking; she was a surfer, blonde hair, blue eyes and a totally killer body. She drove me home and parked in front of my building. We kissed and groped eachother and I really wanted to get her up to my apartment but she wouldn’t budge. She was afraid that if I slept with her I’d never call her again. Man, she glowed, it was like she was made out of sunlight. She gave me her number and I never called her; when I saw her around town she acted like she didn’t know me. Bellingham is filled with stories like that for me.
The overnight drive to Portland kicked my ass. Laura helped us drive; she too over at around 0430 hr after I hit it for a few hours. I was sht by the time we switched. I remember hallucinating that I saw a red face in the tail lights of a car in front of us. I then thought that I was on the wrong side of the road. It was time to change at that point. We stoped at a Flying J Truck Stop. I dozed off for a few minutes thinking that it may energize me a little. I woke up and went into the facility to use the men’s room. When I was done. I left though a different exit and had trouble finding the van.
I couldn’t sleep. Laura averaged about 90 mph the entire time and was cranking Current 93. I thought we were going to eat it several times due to her creative driving. I can’t really complain because she got us there in one piece. She’s been really cool to me on this tour. In San Francisco, she gave me a Citrine crystal, and told me it will help me stay positive and open up my heart chakra.
I can’t remember much about the last couple of days. The driving has been intense and there’s been very little sleep. Actually, the San Francisco and Portland experiences seem like one long day because I didn’t sleep been either city. The San Francisco show was sold out; I think that the venue held 700 people. It’s real easy to think that you somehow contribute to the draw when you play these shows. I just tell myself that we’re along for the ride and thank the graciousness of the Pelican guys for taking us out on this tour. If we were out on the road alone, it would be a much different scenario. Slim’s is a great venue, I hope we get a chance to play there again.
Portland on the other hand was a totally different scene. I’ve always thought that city was depressing but people keep telling me that it’s a cool city. I just don’t see it. The neighborhood we stayed in was filled with chain restaurants, strip clubs and automotive stores. The venue was depressing and the staff were idiots. The sound engineer was terrible and the doorman was trying to tell Carson that he wouldn’t let him back into the club if he left.

3.31.2009 2002 hr Seattle, WA
The doors opened about a half hour ago; we play around 2100 hr or so. There’s a band called Black Breath playing before us; they sound pretty good. The whole trip was kind of off to a late start today. Carson, Laurent, Thorns and me went to get tattoo’ed earlier today. Load-in was at 1630, we got to the club at 1930 which if it was only us wouldn’t have been an issue but we had Laurent with us so the whole load-in, sound check scene was delayed. I’m feeling a little stressed out; I don’t like rolling without any kind of check in a larger venue like this. We were able to backline so most of our stuff is on stage already. The stage looks like a Black Sabbath concert being held in a small club.
Seattle is just another town to me now. I used to really look forward to hanging out here and meeting up with people but that’s all part of the past. At this point, I don’t want to know anybody outside of a small group of close friends. I can be cordial but there is always a distance. There’s at least half a dozen people I can call but I don’t see any reason to reach out to anyone.
The show last night was great. We played well and I feel like a lot of people dug it. The venue was really nice and had a totally pro sound system; the staff were top notch as well. During Pelican’s set, I was sitting at the merch table and this guy approached me asking if I knew where the Tombs guys were. She said that the guitarist said he would trade him a free t shirt for some Ritalin. I sent the guy over to Carson.
After our set, I walked around the corner to a dumpling shop. I was surprised that it was open late. They only had potato or beef dumplings on the menu; I ordered the potato. This surf version of “House of the Rising Sun” was playing. I noticed that there was a rack of LP’s and a record player next to the counter. I sat near the window; I could see the blinking “UP and UP’ tavern sign. I could see into one of the apartments in the building next door, the drapes were pulled back to reveal a room painted blue that was illuminated by pale light and strange shadows were cast across the room. There was a light rain falling and the streets were wet. I imagined that Dorothy Valens, the character in Blue Velvet would live in a room like that.
I talked to this older guy named Terry outside of the dumpling shop. He was at the show and said that we played really well. He was drunk and seemed like he was on some kind of medicaction that shouldn’t have been mixed with alcohol. He told me that he was born and raised in Bellingham but had lived down in LA for a while. He came back because his mother was 80 years old and needed someone around. He tolds me that he saw all of the old bands: Black Flag Agent Orange, Circle Jerks etc.
Terry asked if we were driving back to New York after the show.
2257 Hr
The set went okay. The energy was there but there were a few issues. Andrew’s drum monitor fell on him during the first song so there was a bit of a situation. These guys from Twilight TV filmed the set tonight. We never get filmed when everything goes smoothely.
Tonight is the last night with Wolves. I’ll miss those guys. I hate the end-of-tour scene. We’ll be with Pelican; those guys are killer people as well.
4.01.2009 1120 Hr Federal Way, WA
We staye with this lady that Carson knew about 10 miles south of Seattle. Will said we could stay at the farm down in Olympia, but I was too beat to make th drive. I’m not sure where everyone is. I can see Andrew and Thorns down here in the basment with me, but I don’t have a visual on Carson or Holmes. I’m not sure if our hostess is home chances are she is at work since it is a weekday. As I dozed off last night, I recall hearing a male voice identify himself as Rafael; boyfriend/husband maybe? I feel like I’m in a French horror film right now.
I just finished drinking a pomengrenate juice that I lifted from the Pelican dressing room. Larry told us that there was a cooler in their dressing room filled with fruit juices. Will and I went down and raided it. I filled the pockets of my field jacket with bottles of juice. Will obtained a cardboard box and packed if full. I’m going to miss those guys.
I ran into Ben from Harkonen; that’s pretty much the only person I ran into from the old days. I wasn’t really looking to see anyone nor did I try and reach out to anyone. Seattle is just another city to me, it’s just another line item on a list of tasks. It’s funny how many people asked me if we were doing more shows or if we were driving back to New York as if we travelled all the way out here just to play Seattle.
Today we embark on the long trek back east. The drives have been extremely brutal on this trip. We have tomorrow off, the next stop is Salt Lake City, UT. I’m hoping to make Boise tonight.

4.03.2009 2014 Hr Denver, CO
Most of today was spent driving acrtoss the desolation of Utah and Wyoming. The weather was rough, alternating between rain and sleet. I’m so tired right now I can’t even keep a thought in my head. We played Salt Lake City last night and I hung out with Kelly Green. Drive, drive, drive.
There’s a storm warning tonight so I think the plan is to get out of town after the show and drive. Tomorrow, we play Sioux Falls on our own and meet up with Pelican in Chicago. Tour is almost over. There’s tonight and Chicago left and then we have a couple of shows on our own. It’s been a really great tour; Wolves an Pelican are top-notch people. I’m grateful to Pelican for inviting us, there were probably a dozen other bands that they could have asked, but they invited us.
Tonight was an in-house meal. Justin from Adai works here.
I’m totally exhausted. I’m trying to stay focussed on what is in front of me and ignore all of the stuff going on back home. I’m just trying to roll with things; there’s nothing that can be done out here anyway. This is one of the only things that I do well so I’m going with that concept for now.

2304 Hr
We played well tonight. It seemed like people were into it. That’s the way it goes, some cities are more receptive than others. It felt good to play and now I’m worn out; during the set, I really felt the lack of sleep and all of the miles I drove today. Pelican is playing now; we’re shipping out after the show.
I’m thinking about how you have such wonderful gifts to give and that you aquandered them on me. I hope that whoever you chose next can hold you close like I never could. You’ll always be special to me but there’s nothing for me to give back to you. I missed the boat on all of this stuff a long time ago.
4.05.2009 0033 Somewhere, NE
We had to cancel the Sioux Falls show. There’s a brutal snow storm ravaging the middle of the country. We drove all day and only travelled about 250 miles. It’s not my custom to cancel shows without an exceptionally good reason but it was rough going the whole way. It’s still up in the air whether we’ll be making the show tomorrow.
We left town a little ahead of Pelican but we got a call from them; someone had ran into their trailer. No real damage had occurred. We exited the highway and waited for them at a fuel station. He hung out, ordered sandwiches. Oddly, there was a pretty cool rack of used dvd’s; I picked up the Dawn of the Dead Remake and 300. Pelican and us have been travelling in convoy formation all day in case of an emergency. For the whole day we had no more than 30 feet visibility. At times, there was a complete whiteout.
The wind swept across the highway. The snow was so fine that it billowed like white smoke or steam obscuring the countryside. White desolation surrounded us. It was the middle of nowhere, there was virutually no one else on the road Occasionally we’d see trucks and cars that had skidded off the road and lay wrecked on the median. The whole time I tried to maintain visual contact with the Pelican van. At times they disappeared in the whiteness. I drove like this all day, trying to focus on the road; between the random patches of ice and heavy wind, it was hard keeping the van from being swept away.
We’re camped out at a Holiday Inn Express. Trevor turned us on to Priceline.com; apparently, you can get $120.00 a night rooms for $50 – $60. I wish we’d had this valuable piece of intel earlier on because we were spending $70 to $80 a night to stay in these really sketchy rooms. We’ll apply this knowledge to the next tour.
It’s going to be an ordeal tomorrow. We’re about 750 miles away from Chicago. It’s the last day of the tour. Yeah, Holiday Inn Express; they have the hangers that aren’t permanently attached to the closet, they trust you not to be a thief. There’s cable tv and movie channels available to us. We watched some movie with Tina Fay and the blonde SNL chick. When it was over, the next program was this show about sex that featured a naked porno star discussing female orgasms and masterbation. We all got really uncomfortable and turned it off.

4.07.2009 2001 hr Baltimore, MD
Tonight, Exodus and Kreator are playing in a larger room next door so expectations for tonight’s show are low. Well, it’s good to see Cole; I feel bad that he’s been losing money on booking my bands for the last few years. We played last on a bill of 5 bands last night in Louisville. There were a handful of people that stuck around, mostly the guys from Millions and a couple of others. It was cool to meet Scott, the Seventh Rule Records guy; he plays guitar in Millions. The venue was cool; they sold organic seeds and had a small record and book distro. It was that late 90’s D.I.Y. Dischord-esque vibe that made me feel nostalgic for the years I spent rejecting all of the kids that were involved with that scene. The band that went on first were cool, but I can’t remember their name. The sounded vaguely like the Replacements.
The last few days have been a blur of driving and not sleeping. We lost two dates on the tour due to the intense weather. Tonight is the last night of the tour; I’m sitting here trying to not think about the shit storm that I have to deal with when I get back to New York. I don’t know how to be in a relationship with anyone. I have no idea how to do any of this. Playing in a band is the only thing that I’m any good at, and that’s debatable as well. It’s the only thing that I’ve done consistantly for my whole life. I’ve never really held onto a job for very long and my thing with women comes and goes. I fade in and out.
We confirmed tha Isis tour today. Pelican will be out on that as well. It starts in a little over a month so as bad as it gets at home, at least I know that I’m leaving in a few weeks. That always makes me feel comfortable knowing that I’m leaving. I’ll take touring over being at home any time especially since it appears that everything is melting down. This is the only path for me, it’s the only thing that I don’t let down. The road dictates my actions and I have to follow.
I want to play. I’m sitting here listening to the clever bullshit that they’re playing here at the club and I want to smash it to bits. Earlier My Bloody Valentine and the Smiths were being played but the dude playing that stuff must have went home or something.
The driving has been intense; I feel worn out. After our set, we’re hitting the road back to New York. One bright spot was hitting this Denny’s somewhere in Missouri. The waittres was super nice to us, hooked us up with some dinner rolls and gave me a free cup of coffee for the road. I love Denny’s.

2.1.2009 Rochester, NY 0940 Hr.

I’m enjoying the Microtel Complimentary continental breakfast. The coffee is mediocre but hot. We spent the better part of yesterday driving across the frozen countryside of Western Massachusetts and Upstate New York. The soundtrack was Joy Division into the new Cannibal Corpse, Pantera, Khold, the new Wino record and Ripping Corpse along with a bunchof other stuff that I can’t remember. It began to snow as we approached Rochester. The new Wino record is radical. I’ve been a fan of his for quite some time; it began with The Obsessed and then all of the other killer bands like The Hidden Hand, Spirit Caravan, Place of Skulls. I saw him play in Manhattan a few years ago. I stood right in the front and had my mind blown. This new record is a collection of songs that he wrote over the last 20 years. We started this tour two days ago in Boston. These first few shows are with us and Defeatist. We then join up with Dysrhythmia a week worth of dates mostly in the northeast. Now that Justin is out of the band, we can play shows in Boston without people showing up looking to collect money from him. It was cool to work with Jonah Livingston again. His band Ramming Speed played and all in all, it was a good show. Defeatist were sharp as razors. Joel has completely stepped up his drumming over the last few years. It was an odd trip standing close to Joel and Josh and not actually playing them. It made me a little sad to be a spectator during their set; it made me think about the shows we played together and the miles we drove. They were all good times and when it was all over, we were all still tight. The show was at a place called The Papercut Zine Library in Harvard Square. It’s incomprehensible to me that shows like this can still happen in this neighborhood without police interference. Everyone was cool and the show went off pretty smoothly; a lot of people that I hadn’t seen for a really long time came out, as well as the usual. There were some power issues in the beginning; the entire show set-up, PA, amps etc all were fed from one outlet. When I flipped the switch on one of my amps, the fuse blew. Luckily I had my back up with me. Last night was a typical Rochester show: a good turn-out of people that wanted to get loaded and rock out. It was Tombs, Defeatist and Sulaco. Aaron from Defeatist is an original Rochester guy. Once again, a lot of cats that Ii hadn’t seen for a long time were present. The place we played in was basically an apartment above an abandoned storefront on the borderland between the ghetto and the Rochester downtown area. We drove past the place a few times. It didn’t look like anyone was inside. Apparently, it is the epicenter of some sort of drug trade is on the local police radar. I was told that they’ve had about 20 shows and the cops show up sometimes to shut it down. I overheard one of the local guys talking about how a cop was shot in the head so he didn’t think that they would be too interested in shutting down the show that night. I met this guy named Jamie last night. We’d been corresponding over the internet for a couple of weeks. I traded him some records for a huge stack of professionally burned DVD’s. Last night he turned 31. We talked about horror movies and I felt completely humbled by his knowledge of the genre.

Rensselaer, NY 1742 Hr.

We arrived about an hour ago. It was an uneventful drive back east. It’s good to see Jay Krak. His new digs seem cool. It looks like it used to be some kind of store at some point in the past when this area was a little more happening. Food is being prepared. There’s a group of people sitting on a couch watching the Super Bowl. Don Fury, the famous NYHC producer is among them. I find that slightly surreal

2.3.2009 Boston, MA 0959 Hr.

We crashed at Jonah’s practice space last night. It was pretty heavy to me. This is the place where Tombs formed. I remember coming up here on weekends to work on material that eventually would be crafted into the first e.p. “Course of Empire”, “Monuments”, “Fountain of the World 666” were all written in this room. I remember setting up my recording gear to track the first demo. It’s a little sad, but then I remember what a huge disappointment that whole trip turned out to be. Whatever, you either “pass” or “fail” in this life, there is nothing in between. Also, you can never escape your actions; eventually it all catches up to you and you have to deal with the consequences. The show was okay. The soundman asked all of the bands to tunr down. He had a decibel meter and was monitoring us during sound check. It struck me as odd that he had a full professional PA system at his disposal and didn’t bother to mic up the whole drum kit. Apparently there have been noise complaints. I realize that the guy was just doing his job, but it’s a drag when some tells you that you have to restraint yourself. We played well. The set felt really strong. For thes dates we added “Cypress” and “Gossamer” to the set list. The shows with Defeatist were kind of hit-and-run shows so we played short sets with minimal changeover time. Dysrythmia were amazing. I haven’t seen them play in about 3 or 4 years. All three of those guys can play their asses off. The whole set was new material that totally blew my mind. It’s an interesting pairing of bands, I’m stoked. Watching Kevin Hufnagel play guitar makes me feel like a Neanderthal Man. Rensselaer was small but cool. The show was in the basement of this storefront space that these guys took over and made into a show space/living pad. When we got there, a bunch of guys were sitting on the couch watching the Super Bowl Pre-Game Show and drinking beer. It was a Jay Krak show, so that meant a kick-ass vegan meal. I just realized that I’ve known that guy for like 10 years. His shows always have that vaguely European feel where he prepares food and there’s a variety of Food Not Bombs looking people hanging around. I wish defeatist were on the rest of the dates with us. What a great band. Last night while hanging out, we cranked up “Master of Reality” by Sabbath. We were all tripping out on how intense and heavy that record is, which led to the next concept about Tony Iommi. I presented the idea that Iommi probably threw away or forgot at least 5 albums worth of killer riffs over the course of his life. I wondered how much material he wrote while kicking back in his room and either bailed on it or just forgot about.

Albany, NY 1745 Hr.

We’re waiting for the promoter, sitting at the venue checking out the Happy Hour crowd. The place is filled with these business type guys in suits. Happy Hour: that term always makes me laugh. It’s Tuesday night, I bet everyone here aside from the bands are Republicans. We drove through a snow storm to get here. It was slow going, but I was into the snow and ice. We had breakfast at Herrell’s. Some far-out looking guy wearing three pairs of pants was sitting near us. He was mumbling to himself about Vietnam. The owner told him to leave. The guy asked if he could bum a cigarette off of him as he left. I’m sitting here waiting. To my right is a velvet painting of a blonde woman wearing a pink robe. She’s leaning back, her robe is open and one had is caressing one of her breasts and she’s running the other hand through her hair. I thought about you on the drive. It was I-90 all the way. How many people come in and out of our lives? What ever happens to them? It’s easy to think that they just cease to exist when they’re no longer part of your consciousness, but they live on, existing, growing old, getting divorces, having kids. Albany looks like a hard luck town. Whenever I come here, I get depressed. The building the club is in looks like it was built at the beginning of the 20th Century. It looks like generations have lived their lives and died during the lifespan of this building. Right now, snow is falling. I often wondered if you ever liked me or if on occasion, you remember any of the time we spent together. Right now, with the ice collecting on the window and the cold air leaking in through the front door into this room full of desperate shitheels, I find myself thinking about you. Waiting; guys in suits, slightly overweight working on drinking problems. This is the life that all of those kids in Williamsburg are trying to escape. I’m betting that none of these guys ever dreamed about being anything else.

2.04.2009 Brooklyn, NY 2020 Hr.

We’re at the venue all loaded in and waiting to play. Everyone is special in Williamsburg and when I say special, I don’t mean “special” in the way I mean special when I talk about Saccharine Trust’s excellent live record. Albany was pretty cool. I met some really nice peolle at the show. We played pretty well. I broke a string during “Cypress” but stuff like that happens. I had my back-up guitar ready so it didn’t effect the set too much.

2.05.2009 Philadelphia, PA 1952 Hr

Dysrhythmia are getting ready to sound check. We’re all loaded in and ready to stage our gear. It’s cold outside. Earlier on, we recorded a live set at the Drexel campus for a radio broadcast. I’m surprised how massive it sounds, the engineer did a great job. As I get older, it trips me out whenever I have to deal with college age kids. Any one of them could easily be one of my kids. Loading through the legion of listless dullards that go to Drexel made me happy that I don’t have any kids. I would be so disappointed if I had a kid, worked at some job so they could go to school and waste their time hanging out in the student union, eating crappy food and watching cartoons. Of course, there were exceptions, like Kim Kelly, the DJ at the station. Anyway, we loaded in, got sounds and ripped it. My voice was a little gravelly but I suppose that lends the “live” feeling to it. Last night in Brooklyn turned out to be pretty cool. We played really well and the sound was good. The band that went on before us was kind of a bummer. When we got on stage they left a mess of cables, power strips and D.I. boxes behind. After the show, we loaded the gear into Carson’s loft, Andrew went home and Thorns crashed at my place. I was up at 0730 and answered email for a while before heading over to breakfast. We were on the road at 1000. On the way down, we hit Vintage Vinyl where I secured a copy of the new Wino record along with the new Deathspell Omega split LP.

2129 Hr.

I just woke from a short nap upstairs in the lounge above the venue. Earlier, Steve, the manager, showed me the lounge/kitchen/gallery area. They’ve installed a shower and wash room. It’s like a scaled down version of a European squat. The first band is playing. We go on next. I’m really into that new Wino record. It sounds like it was recorded in the 70’s. The whole trip is cool: the lyrics, the riffs, the production. I hope I can hang in there like Wino. That dude has been part of this forever.

2.06.2009 Upper Darby, PA 1036 hr.

I just woke up. We crashed at Gordon’s place in Upper Darby near the Relapse Office. Thorns used his GPS to navigate and it took us through some really intense neighborhoods. We saw this prostitute check us out as we stopped at a traffic light. It had to be about 5°F last night and this lady was standing alone on this desolate street corner. The show went off well. Dillinger escape Plan was playing nearby and everyone was concerned that no one would come out. A decent amount of people started filtering in. We played hard and the set felt good. I sat to the side of the stage while Dysrhythmia played. What a great band. Watching Kevin play made me want to stop playing guitar.

Baltimore, MD 0830 Hr.

The show starts in about 30 minutes. There are 5 bands on the bill and I’m oddly relieved. The Wayward are playing so if it was just me, Kevin and Nick, I would look like a monkey trying to play the guitar. With 5 bands, it increases the odds that there will be a worse guitar player on the bill. We were at Relapse today. I knocked out a few email interviews and went over some tour stuff with Gordon. There’s a lot to do when I get back and not very much time before we head out again. Once again, we’re up against a Dillinger Escape Plan show. People are starting to trickle in.

2.07.2009 Richmond, VA 1600 Hr.

I’m sitting on the porch at the Parkwood house drinking coffee and enjoying the sun and warm weather. It’s a nice respite from the cold frozen brutality that we’ve been enduring for most of the tour. Dave is in New Jersey working on the new Burnt by the Sun record and Amy is working at the shop. I hiked up to Elwood’s to pick u some supplies. They opened a coffee and sandwich shop across the parking lot. I’m enjoying a nice strong cup of black coffee from there. Last night was a rough one. I got pulled over by the Law about 20 miles outside of Baltimore. I was issued a warning by the 22-year-old state trooper. We arrived at the club and loaded in. When I set up my gear, something has wrong in the chain of effects and both signals were coming out completely dry i.e. there were no effects. I tried to figure it out but the sound man was getting impatient and I just went for it. Later, we followed Cole out of the city. We came to a section of the street that the police had shut down and were diverting traffic. I turned right, stayed in my lane but apparently that wasn’t good enough for the cop on my right. The lights went on and he pulled me over. After being detained for about 30 minutes, he wrote me a $90 ticket for an “Unsafe Turn.” At first I refused to sign it, but he informed me that if I don’t, I would be locked up. It was more important to me that I make the rest of the shows on the tour than prove a point. That was Baltimore. I read the liner notes in the new Wino album “Pertetual equilibrium”. A lot of the material was written in the late 70’s and early 80’s. The lyrics are great. There’s this sense of spirituality without being heavy handed. Apparently, he’s playing tonight in the venue that we’re playing in tomorrow up in DC. I’m reflecting on Baltimore and how, outside of the shows and a few cool people, it’s a pretty sever town We tried to hit up this pizza place with Cole on the way out of town, after we were hassled by the cops. It was in the same part of town that reptilian Records used to be in. The whole street just seemed like a bad time. There was this really heavy mood of potential violence hanging in the air. All of the bars had just dumped a mass of drunk, horny, desperate losers into the streets. We bailed and ate at a Denny’s on the way to Annapolis. On the way down to Richmond, we stopped in some random town to get coffee. There was a Starbuck’s tucked away in this bizarre microcosm of chain stores and restaurants. Everywhere I looked I saw corporate logos and white white people. Ah yes, AMERICA!! Generic muzak was being pumped through tiny speakers mounted on the sidewalk.

2.08.2009 Richmond, VA 1558 Hr.

The show last night was awesome. It’s always a cool time hanging out down here, playing shows. We crashed at Dave’s pad, ate brunch and the others are all at this place drinking expensive beer. It’s too nice of a day to be inside so I hung around on my own and walked.

It’s snowing outside.  Finally winter is here.  It used to be that the cold started in November around Thanksgiving and lasted until March.  That’s no longer the case; I have visions of rainfall in the Arctic Circle and polar bears set adrift on detached sheets of ice.

We’ve been playing shows and gearing up for the short tour with Dysrhythmia starting in a few weeks.  We’ll be on the road with Defeatist for a few days prior to the formal start of the tour.  I’m looking forward to it.  The tour is only a little more than a week long, but I’ll take it.  Long tour, short tour, it makes no difference to me: I’m just looking forward to getting out of the blank soulless wasteland of Brooklyn and NYC in general.

Lately, it’s seemed more soul-crushing than usual.  Across the street from where I live, a huge condominium complex is in the final stages of construction.  I’ve observed the slow, arduous task of it’s construction for almost two years.  It was the case of a project getting funded when money flowed and the future looked bright for the cannibals that run the real estate hustles in this city.  Times are different now and I can’t help but think that the guy at the top is sweating it out and questioning his grand scheme for making a quick buck in Greenpoint.

It’s almost over.  At least most of the work is taking place inside: finish carpentry, plumbing, electrical and architectural work.  I remember crews of non-union laborers yelling all day and my street being shut down without the proper permitting.  I wonder how many units are pre-sold and how many will remain vacant.

It’s someone’s dying dream; some greedy cunt’s scheme that blew up in his face.  Maybe it’ll go Section 8 Housing.

I’m ready to get away from this place for a while and see something different.  I’m ready to see something that doesn’t make me want to light fires and shoot guns.

The guy and girl upstairs are still making noise.  One night I had a talk with him about his girlfriend’s habit of cranking the Beatles and singing along at 0100.  The Beatles of all things to listen to.  I imagined her sipping some red wine and spinning Revolver or some equally weak bullshit record.  She really feels it.  She feels it so much that she had to scream the lyrics so loud it woke me up out of a sound sleep.

Yeah, I’m ready to get out of here for a while.

Tonight we’re heading over to Kevin’s studio to check out the latest cut of the video for the track “Gossamer”. So far I’ve seen two cuts of the video that was emailed to us for review. It’s really uncomfortable watching yourself perform like this; actually, I don’t even like seeing my image captured in any way. I get creeped out when I see photos of myself.

The actual video looks killer, especially for the amount of time it was done in. Kevin is a top-notch guy. He usually works with pretty high profile artist, so I feel fortunate to have been able to work with him on this.

Anyway, tonight will be the night we hopefully can sign off on all of this and put it behind us.

We’re in the middle of making a “Rock Music Video”, something that none of us have ever done before.  I had mixed feelings about the whole thing when I got the call from Gordon.  Somehow he wrangled this guy named Kevin Custer to produce the video for short money, mainly because the guy dug the band and was down to do something creative.  I went online to check out his work and was pretty blown away by some of the artist he’s worked with; mainly hip-hop and stuff I can’t relate to but there was no denying his technical and creative skills.
Kevin and I set up, a meeting at his studio over in Park Slope, to get to know each other and discuss basic concepts.  He’s a really likeable guy and seemed open to a lot of the non-ideas that I had because let’s face it, I have no idea what I’m talking about when it comes to videos.  I know that before he had this opportunity, we were brainstorming with Thomas Hooper about producing some kind of visual piece that didn’t involve any of us being in the video.  The turning point for me was when Kevin and I both arrived at Anton Corbijn, the guy that made the Joy Division movie, “Control” as a common point of reference.
A few days later  we met at the space at 1600 to pick up our gear.  It had began snowing and was cold as Hell.  We ate a quick dinner at our familiar haunt, Williamsburger and drove out to the shoot location in Bushwick.  We rolled up at 1800 and Custer and his crew were already there setting up the gear and getting prepped for the shoot.  The location was this gigantic 2500 square-foot ground level loft that apparently was available for this kind of thing.  We were able to secure the place for a “budget price” if we worked off hours.
We loaded in.
He set us up and began working on the lighting.  We had all of our gear set up but nothing was powered up.  I had a mic on a stand in front of me but the XLR cable just trailed off camera.   Custer had a PA System set up and was cranking “Gossamer”.  Andrew’s direction was to play along as accurately as possible.  Carson and I were directed to “play along” and exaggerate our movements.  I was told that for things to appear dynamic on film, you have to really emphasize your movements.  I took it upon myself to sing “live” when we were rolling.  We worked on takes for the next several hours.  He used a variety of different camera angles.  At one point, a boom was used and this sled-looking contraption that made me think of Sam Raimi.  I remember, out of habit, I kept turning the volume knob on my guitar down after each take.  Doing the video shoot was possibly even more un-natural than recording.
We broke for food and coffee about three hours into it.  Anki, the host of MTV Norway Headbanger’s Ball stopped by to check out the shoot.  I was told that she’s the Rikki Rachtman of Norwegian Headbanger’s Ball.  She was cool.  She informed me that she was at one time married to Frost from Satyricon/1349; how cool is that?
We wrapped at about 2330 and loaded out.  Kevin Custer is probably the most professional guy that I’ve ever dealt with in the “music industry.”  Hopefully working with us wasn’t too excruciating.
I’ll be checking out a cut of the video later on next week.

GUNS ‘N’ ROSES – CHINESE DEMOCRACY
I just finished doing an interview for Rock Sound, the UK music Magazine.  It went well, the dude Alex, was pretty cool and asked good questions.  Lately I’ve been really busy staying up on the PR trip that Relapse has lined up.  The record will be out in February so we’re all focused on doing a good job on the tasks at hand A while back, Ralph Planks sent me mp3’s of the new Guns ‘n’ Roses Record “Chinese Democracy.”  It’s Saturday afternoon, and I don’t really have much going on until we load into Death by Audio later tonight, so now seemed like as good a time as any to check it out and see what’s what.
So far, I’ve made it through the title track “Chinese Democracy”, “Shackler’s Revenge” and “Better.”  I have to admit that the title track is rather catchy.  It would be a huge single if it was 1991, but hey, it’s 2008.  The other material is a real drag.
I’m looking at a list of people involved with the making of this record.  Tommy Stinson from the Replacements played bass.  There’s three guys credited with lead guitar: Buckethead, Bumblefoot and Robin Finck.  Dizzy Reed is back; he’s been a “member” of GnR since 1990.  There’s a guy listed as rhythm guitar, another keyboard player and this session drummer named Frank Ferrer who is an “official” member of the band.  I wonder if Buckethead ripped his solo’s wearing that ridiculous get-up that you see him wearing in all of the photos when he was cutting his tracks on the record.

“If the World” is playing and I can feel the douche-chills creeping up on me.  I actually feel bad for Axl because this record sucks so abysmal.  I feel bad until I remember that he is a multi-millionaire and this is his vanity record.  The whole thing sounds like a bedroom production made by a 22-year-old guy that’s never played in a band before, except millions of dollars were spent on this.  It’s a testament to US Decadence.
Did this record really need to be made?
I’m skipping ahead now.  I can’t even make it throw a whole song at this point.
I saw GnR play with Aerosmith back in the 80’s at a racetrack in Upstate New York.  It was summer time and they went on just as the sun was setting.  It was the original lineup with Slash, Izzy, Axl, Steven Adler and Duff; “Appetite for Destruction” had been out for a few months and this was one of their earlier tours as a supporting band.  I was never a fan of the “hair metal” bands of the 80’s but GnR caught my interest because they had a harder vibe and sort of a darker trip going on that say Ratt or Crue.  They were everything I expected them to be that night: full of attitude, kind of sloppy and most likely on drugs.
When you listen to “Appetite” you’re listening to a band.  If you choose to listen to “Chinese Democracy” you’re getting a simulation of a band.  It’s a product manufactured for mass-consumption.  The classic GnR were a rock ‘n’ roll band that rehearsed in a practice space somewhere, played gigs and eventually broke up.
At this point, I have lost interest in this record completely.  It’s not a Guns ‘n’ Roses album.  Axl should have just called it AXL.